Starbucks Canada will close 300 more stores by the end of March. Boo hoo.
Whatever will this mean to the tiny weak army of uranists and dykes who make up roughly half of Starbucks' workforce? Just like the mass closure of David's Tea stores, not a lot of heterosexual men are unemployed as a result of this change.
I was going to link to my David's Tea post, because I was sure I made one back when their store closures were announced, but apparently I didn't. The closest I came was an obscure reference to a Buzzfeed article.
So I guess consider this my David's Tea closure post, and since I didn't make one back in July/August when it first came up, I might as well tell my hilarious Faggot At David's Tea Story. For some reason nobody fully understood, and even Starbucks doesn't have this consistency, every David's Tea store had three employees: two girls and a faggot. Hell, even the picture on their own website makes it clear:
Editor's Note: to avoid disrupting the flow of the text below with "haha" comments after every anal sex gag, I will use the upside down question mark symbol (¿) in lieu.
So one day back in probably 2013/2014 I'm walking through Southgate Mall, and girl accompanying me wants to check what's on special at David's Tea. They used to give out cheap paper booklets with all their stock listed, but inexplicably had given up on this. Frustrated by not being able to just look at a list and pick a tea, and annoyed with how faggy the sodomite behind the counter talked, she gave up the ghost and we left the store to resume walking around. A few minutes later we walked past again and we noticed the faggot was no longer behind the counter. For a few brief moments she considered going back to the store, but almost immediately a door on the back wall¿ opened and the sodomite exited¿.
At this point our curiosity was piqued: we didn't think the storefronts in that section of Southgate (I think it was buttressed¿ up against The Bay) had any storage areas, so we were curious about how much space was back there that wasn't seen by the general public, especially since that back wall was pretty much flush with the other storefronts and wasn't load bearing. So we moved into position and waited to see if that door opened up again. Finally one of the girls walked over to open it up. It wasn't a storage room at all: it was a storage closet. It was a tiny closet that was smaller than the pantry in those new showhomes: barely enough room to hold a mop and bucket.
So why was the poofter inside it with the door closed? Was it entirely so we could witness him literally coming out of the closet? Needless to say we couldn't help ourselves and started laughing uncontrollably. From that moment until the malls shut down, every time I walked past a David's Tea store with their token David's Tea faggot, I couldn't help but look directly at him and start laughing. Literally in the closet.
Hilarious but nevermore: the only David's Tea store left in Edmonton is at West Ed, and the last time I was there they only had two girls working the counter: I suppose another cost cutting effort.
Bonus career advise for sodomites who aren't willing to change to a better orientation: I guess you could all get jobs as atrocious dog stylists.
