Sodomites don't get no rights in my Alberta

I still insult them when I see them in public.

I photograph them and collect a private database showing me images of every uranist in Alberta.

I have made sure that they have been found responsible for actions causing them to lose their jobs.

I will never hire them or live with them or be friends with them.

When they call themselves married I inform them that they are not married, I will never consider them married, and that their sick lifestyle has no recognition in my circle.

I will continue to harass, insult, and denigrate them for their perversions.

I am Albertan, and they are not.

A real foreigner or just an anti-American liberal (and is there even a distinction?)

I have to say, the BashirMohamed Twitter account has set off my spidey-sense: maybe its the choice of his 4 adds or his message to JenCrosby at Global TV, but something makes it feel like an in-whole or in-part made up persona. [this coming from the anonymous blogger with an even more anonymous editor. -ed]

That's my theory, I'm putting it out there. Of course, I have been wrong before (ie. Scott Roberts is an actual reporter)

Old fears

This news story was from a bit back, but it really shows how we've reached a "panic plateau" that I think we need to come down from, but fast:

A man is in custody, and a southeast Edmonton school is no longer under lockdown.

City police say they arrested a suspect Tuesday, after receiving a complaint of an individual possibly with a knife in the area near Crawford Plains School, at 4210 12th Avenue NW.

Police are still investigating.

OMG, an individual with a knife! Somebody in the vague vicinity of a school just happens to even possess a knife and they lock the school down? This is getting ridiculous.

(Bear in mind, in high school I used to carry knives. Its why one time our English teacher nabbed a misbehaving Grade 7 and stuck him next to me and a friend in the back of our English 20 class. Sitting next to me opening and closing the sheath on my belt really scared him into sitting quietly)

Canadian Western Bank presents...er, hold on here!

From my email inbox:

Hi FACLC

Hello!

Well, I’ve decided to take the plunge! I am going to do something proactive and hands-on to help youth at risk in our community. I have decided to participate in Homeless for a Night, presented by Canadian Western Bank. What this means is that I will first collect pledges and then become “homeless” for a night at Telus Field, in order to raise money for the Youth Emergency Shelter Society. Can you believe it? Me, homeless for a night!

But I need your help! Before I can face the challenge of being “homeless”, I first have to face the challenge of collecting pledges. I’ve set a high goal of $250, but I know I can do it. The Youth Emergency Shelter Society is a great cause – they really make a difference in the lives of youth at risk in our community. YESS has five different programs to serve youth aged 15-19 who are in crisis. The three residential programs, the Shelter program, SkY, and START provide a safe place support for youths with no viable alternatives. The fourth program is Community Enhancement, which comprises Outreach, Community Liaison Workers, the STAR program, and the Skills program. And everyone’s very excited about the fifth and newest program, the Armoury Youth Centre, which will provide a positive and safe environment for youths during the day. All of YESS’ programs are stepping stones on a path to self-sufficient and more positive futures for youth who may not have a chance otherwise. Over 70% of the kids YESS serves have been physically, mentally, or sexually abused, and none of them have a safe place to go without YESS. Your contribution is valuable and helps me to help give these kids a chance. .

Sincerely,

XXXXXXXX

Leaving aside the wonderment that I know somebody who would send me an email discussing doing "something proactive and hands-on to help youth at risk in our community", is it maybe a bit of bad form and/or timing for a promotion in which a bank makes people homeless during a massive recession?

Sir Humphrey working for Stephen Harper?

Donald Smith, of the correspondence unit, said the reference to Mulroney prompted him to send Schreiber's first letter dated June 16, 2006, to the prime minister's office.

"I thought it was borderline but to be safe I sent it to the PM's correspondence unit."

Smith said he wasn't consulted about Schreiber's March 29, 2007, letter revealing his meeting with Mulroney at Harrington Lake before he left office, their agreement to work together, and the fact he paid Mulroney.

"This one was missed," said Smith, adding the letter was filed away by an analyst. "It should have been caught and it should have been brought to the attention of (a superior), but it was not."

If this sounds familiar to you, it should:

Sir Humphrey: You look worried Bernard.
Bernard: Ah yes, I just found this letter in one of the Ministers' boxes.
Sir Humphrey: What about it?
Bernard: I don't know whether I should open it or not.
Sir Humphrey: Well you know the rules, private secretaries shall open all classifications up to and including Top Secret, only letters marked Personal shall remained unopened unless the Minister orders otherwise.
Bernard: What about Daddy?
Sir Humphrey: I don't immediately see why your father comes into this.
Bernard: No, no, no it's addressed to Daddy, urgent.
Sir Humphrey: Well, does it say Personal?
Bernard: No.
Sir Humphrey: Well then you know the rules, it must be opened.
Bernard: (opens letter) Oh, it's from the Ministers daughter.
Sir Humphrey: You astound me Bernard.

Reading the full article, Donald Smith seems like the sort of civil servant Sir Humphrey would be very keen on, making sure the PM did and didn't receive the right letters. The above quotes are from "The Right to Know". "The Whiskey Priest" is another Yes, Minister episode that may be of note: "The Rhodesia Solution":

This involves informing the PM, but not explicitly. Sir Humphrey expounds on this by dictating a sample letter to Bernard that is couched in vague, impenetrable civil service jargon. This should then be smudged all over and delivered to the PM on the day he leaves for an overseas conference. Then the whole thing can be written off as a breakdown in communication.

Wasteful fossil fuel consumption to save the planet

Well, David Suzuki has a new pair of disciples, and like him they are using their hearts more than their heads in service to the great Gaia.

Two Canadians, Garry Sowerby and Lisa Calvi are driving a Honda Insight Hybrid vehicle, starting out from Victoria and checking in at Mile Zero, Newfoundland later next month. So far, they've clocked in at sights around BC and spent this morning at Edmonton's Waste Management Centre of Excellence.

All across Canada, eh? Well, lets be really generous here:
View Larger Map

Here is roughly the route they plan to take. 7,669 km, assuming the 3.9L/100km fuel efficiency Wikipedia reports, should take 299L of fuel. It's not bad, but that's 300L of fuel that wouldn't be burned if they stayed at home. Meanwhile we're not taking into account travel around the cities they visit, the two ferry rides they need to take, and of course the fact that you never get remotely close to published fuel efficiency ratings.

I am going to drive a 1985 GMC Sierra from Edmonton to Estevan, SK and back to promote the environment. Does this sound intelligent at all to anybody? It uses the same amount of fuel (again discounting the in-city drives and the ferries) as these two dumb hippies. Any sponsors?

"A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it."

Scientists with more of a nerve to touch friggin' disgusting insects than me have insight into how a bunch of dumb bugs can come across collective decision making. It seems to involve a lot of dancing and sending out scouts for advance information.

This is the exact same thing I was using at Iron Horse three weeks ago...

An interesting holiday that went unmissed

Today is the WCB Public Day of Mourning for victims of the Workers Compensation Board.

Er, no, wait, its for those who have died in the workplace.

Every year on April 28, Albertans gather at Day of Mourning ceremonies throughout the province

Er, don't suppose they'd care to name one. No? That's what I thought.

We really need a day for victims of the actual WCB. And the unions, too, which have more than their fair share of workers blood on their hands. (Hence the attack mode)

Why Faggy Cock-Sucking Sodomites have no business judging Miss America

Wait: she looks like this...


...and she doesn't want ass pirates to shame and debase the insitution of marriage.

Miss America? Hell, why not pick her for President!

Post 1,300 Baby!

Again, we'll combine the 1,300th post on this blog (holy busy month in March!) with a joke:

Q. Is it true Alberta had a chance to quarantine the only people in the province diagnosed with Swine Flu?

A. Yes, but the Alberta Liberal Convention had the back door open to go smoke.

According to taste

At Bugaboo Creek you'll find your very own Canadian Rockies Retreat, just like the warm, rustic mountain lodge at the end of an adventurous day on a rugged trail on the Bugaboos. Enjoy the bold, hearty flavor and generous portions of the Canadian Rockies in dishes such as our slowly roasted Prime Rib, Grilled Fresh Salmon and Spit-Roasted Chicken.

Enjoy a taste of the Canadian Rockies at Bugaboo Creek, eh? Let's check out their selection of beers on tap:

SPECIALTY/IMPORT Amstel Light Corona Heineken Labatt Blue Labatt Blue Light Moosehead Samual Adams Lager Sam Adams Light St. Pauli N.A. DRAFT Budweiser Coors Light Samuel Adams Blue Moon Ask your server about other local Lodge favorites and available draft selections.

DOMESTIC Budweiser Bud Light Coors Light Miller Lite Rolling Rock Michelob Light Michelob Ultra Killian's Irish Red O'Doul

Notice anything missing here? Anything? Anything???

That's right, there's no Kokanee. How can you provide a "taste of the Canadian Rockies" and not serve any Kokanee? It's like a French restaurant without white wine.

Two great English franchises meet up

Well, three if you count Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

But if you recall from Yes, Prime Minister, Sir Desmond Glazebrook, played by Richard Vernon, eventually is promoted to be the chairman of the Bank of England.

Well I got the James Bond films on DVD as a gift last month, and watching them this evening who do I find played chairman of the Bank of England in Goldfinger?

Why if it isn't a much younger Richard Vernon. Slartibartfast would have been proud.

Promise to appear run like the wind

I asked last week why the goddamned thief in the Brian Knight case hasn't been named yet.

Well now he finally has. You won't believe the twist that comes next:

"Investigators have delayed the release of some of the details relating to identity and actual charges in hope that all parties and charges could be dealt with," Bashaw RCMP said in announcing the charges on Tuesday.

RCMP had been looking for Nick Dewald, 22, from the community of Alix, but police said he's contacted them to say he is working out of province and intends to return to the area at the end of this summer to deal with the warrant for his arrest.

"Intends to return"? Is that like his (apparently not honoured) "promise to appear"? Once his ass didn't appear, why didn't they put out a Canada-wide warrant for his arrest and put him in jail?

At the very least, we also get the names of the other two assholes:

Harold Groening, 31, of Mirror, has been charged with theft under $5,000, theft of a motor vehicle, and possession of stolen property. Dewald and Alix resident Kyle Rosenthal, 23, have both been charged with theft under $5,000.

So there you go folks. So far, all I can dig up on the exact names as listed is a Nick Dewald as the grandson of a deceased Victoria man.

As for details, anybody from the area who can supply info is welcome to do so in the comments section. Maybe some teary-eyed ex-girlfriends? That's popular on Third Edge of the Sword these days.

Update, 7:07pm: A writer on Mens Outdoors Forum reported Dewald's name two weeks ago.

A Proper Cup of Tea

Last week the Americans who haven't already been removed from the tax rolls and offered a shiny discount held a variety of Boston-inspired tea parties. Michelle Malkin is really the go-to source on this subject and curious readers can go there for their tea party needs.

Naturally the wacko leftists on the blogosphere took to calling them "teabag parties" and criticizing right-wingers for using tea in their party reference in the first place. HolyAthiest isn't the only moron who can't quite figure out how this progression works, so I'll summarize:

1. Boston Tea Party was the famous anti-taxation protest which begot the American Revolution
2. Channeling the spirit of the original, tax protests this year kept with the "Tea Party" theme
3. In America, tea is purchased in convenient bag form which is easy to throw in protest
4. Left-wing bloggers were the only first group to coin the "teabag party" phrase, which was never used by event organizers.

So in basic summary, while the loony left can come up with as many derogatory names they like, that isn't what the protest is.

So why did I strike out the "only" in point #4? Enter the Canadian Press:

Americans rally against tax abuses
By THE CANADIAN PRESS

WASHINGTON -- Thousands of Americans took to the streets in so-called teabag protests across the United States yesterday, angry about massive economic stimulus spending and what they perceive as rising taxes under President Barack Obama.

But on a day simply known as Tax Day in the United States, a bigger concern for millions more was the complicated and inefficient American taxation system that makes Canada's look like a well-oiled machine by comparison. Americans are also required to prepare two returns - the IRS form and a separate state return, doubling the chaos.

"So-called" by its opponents. I would love to see the Canadian Press take on other prominent news stories regarind protests:

EDMONTON (CP) - Several dozen anti-progress believers in misguided economic theory and backwards North Korean-style medicare marched today in front of the offices of MLA Raj Sherman

Would anybody have let the Canadian Press put out copy like that? Why did they let it go in the Tea Party protests?

Brian Mason, meet my knuckles

Brian Mason, April 8th 2009:

There is no excuse for an incomplete budget. When [Premier Stelmach] realized that the budget wasn't finished, why didn't [he] and [his] finance minister down a couple of Red Bulls, pull an all-nighter and get 'er done?"

Brian Mason, April 14th 2009 :

They can cry poverty now and say we have to do it for financial reasons, but in fact they have been wanting to do it for a long time, and they have made numerous attempts.

Got that straight? Get the budget balanced, but don't, you know... cut things.

Mason wasn't done showing himself to be a pompus ass, incidentally:

To think that behind closed doors some of the knuckle-draggers in that Tory caucus will be deciding who can get what medical services scares the hell out of me, and it should certainly scare the hell out of the people in this province

First off Mr. Mason, anytime you feel the need to get closely acquainted with the knuckles of some good real Albertans, feel free to give us a ring here at Third Edge of the Sword world headquarters in Pamplona, Spain. Secondly, are you the stupidest man in Alberta, or can you dredge up somebody worse? If you're really scared that people in government can "decide who can get what medical services" then why on earth are you so opposed to the notion of creating a system by which the government has no say in which medical services you get and how you get them? After all, Mason-the-Moron speaks out in favour of government-run healthcare at every opportunity, and then is shocked -- shocked -- that at the end of the day the government decides to...you know, run it?

I am perhaps unfairly singling out Mason here: the province is full of these "Friends of Medicare" idiots who in one breadth cry out how evil and horrible and dangerous the Progressive Conservative Party of Alberta is, and then in the next insist that they collect and spend more money (ie. obtain more power and control).

(In other news, hey Mercedes Allen, I "know who transsexuals are": self hating faggots. You wouldn't believe the three Ugly Bettys who "graced" the Edmonton SUN today. If these sodomitic freaks of human nature want to stand up and be the "spokesthings" for taxpayer money going to narcaccistic body mods, I invite them to tour around Cardston for a bit. It will help your cause immensely! Bonus ugly freak of nature photos here and here)

That's not what it says on his Wikipedia page

Ira Wells at the National Post takes on the Brian Knight case firmly on the side of...well, either the thieves or the RCMP: you decide.

The article directly challenges the article by Colby Cosh in the NP (which I blogged about here) and his philosophical arguments:

Cosh appeals to John Locke, who argued that property is an extension of one’s self because it is derived from labour. But Locke was a deeply religious and moral thinker who argued that the state was necessary to provide a “neutral judge” for the protection of the lives and material possessions of its citizens. John Locke — and I never thought the day would come when I would be forced to write a sentence such as this one — would not have advocated shooting someone who stole your ATV.

So what would Locke write about on the subject of criminals? Well Cosh himself popped into the comment thread to volunteer a passage:

...a Thief, whom I cannot harm but by an appeal to the Law, for having stolen all that I am worth, I may kill, when he sets on me to rob me, but of my Horse or Coat: because the Law, which was made for my Preservation, where it cannot interpose to secure my Life from present force, which if lost, is capable of no reparation, permits me my own Defence, and the Right of War, a liberty, a liberty to kill the aggressor, because the aggressor allows not time to appeal to our common Judge, nor the decision of the Law, for remedy in a Case, where the mischief may be irreparable.

Whoops.

(Check out the 60+ comments in this thread for some real interesting discussion, including people confused over the idea that violence solves problems) [which seems odd, because the original theft was a form of violence solving the "problem" that Brian Knight owned a quad. -ed]

Corner Gas Wrapup

Well, now that the countdown is concluded, I thought I'd take a chance to mention a few of the episodes that just weren't good enought to make it into the Top Ten [or into the Top 20, what with the Honourable Mentions -ed]:

Oh Baby: This was the first Corner Gas I ever saw... the first time I saw Emma and Brent's "Yoda" conversation I was hooked. It also features Hank locking his keys in his truck, and Davis realizing that it wasn't exactly Lex Luthor-worthy to fail to steal your own vehicle... especially with the passenger window open.

Whataphobia: As Brent Butt said in his DVD commentary, there's something crazy about a resident of Saskatchewan being afraid of "open spaces".

Hook, Line, and Sinker: Karen falls in love with "sexy fish man Hank", and their scenes together are amazing. Lacey and Brent's sign feud isn't bad either.

Contageous Fortune: The pink eye combat scenes are awesome, especially Brent's victory at the end when he gains sole possession of Corner Gas -- so Wanda and Hank just piss off to go have a beer.

Gopher It: Prime Minister Harper's episode features a great Dallas style dream ending. You wouldn't believe how many people actually thought that Corner Gas was going off the air because of this episode. Seriously. Newspapers were confused by this.

Fun Run: The gags with the handicapped plates were good, particularly Emma's crack about Manhatten. The fun run parts were great, with the road-runner style runby with Wanda and Lacey being classics. I would have included this in an honourable mention if it wasn't for the presence of something called "Prime Minister Paul Martin", if you can shudder to believe such a creature once existed.

Buzz Driver: Oscar reminds me enough of a few bus drivers I've known in my time that I have a soft spot for this episode. However, the best part of this episode is Hank's realization that he was the only person losing money from Brent and Lacey's lates battle.

Dark Circles: Airing in October of 2007, this movie really captured the Spider-Man 3 "black spidey suit" storyline with Brent being a tough guy and Lacey being strangely attracted to him in it. Hank and Karen with the crop circles was a little too predictable and weak a storyline to be worth an HM.

Slow Pitch: This slo-pitch themed episode featured Lacey's perfect attendence on the line, and a lot of drinking and baseball. Other good parts were the distraction of Wes, the Brent/Wes confrontation, and Emma's difficulty in hitting (well known to anybody who played a lot of regular baseball and discovered in slo-pitch that they swung too early every time.

Outside Joke: Karen and Davis' practical joke storyline, as mentioned before, brought the phrase "impractical serious" into the lexicon. It also has the joys of Hank the garbage man, and Brent's discovery conversation with the guy from his own municipal district ("when you said that just now, did it sound stupid to you?")

Lacey Borrows: Hanks' pant gag wasn't bad but it got old fast. Otherwise, the horror movie plot was pretty good, especially when Brent was totally unaffected by it (his teenage drive-in memories were also great). Lacey and Karen catfighting over the borrowing was quite entertaining: particularly the scene where Lacey borrows the police car and Gabrielle Miller looks damn nice in her jeans while she does it... a great booty shot really increases my appreciation of the episode.

Bed and Brake Fast: Lacey buying Hank's incompetant handyman services was really the greatest part of this episode and gave some of the best laughs of season 5. Oscar's bed and breakfast plot was a little too Three's Company, and Davis using ghost cars was a good idea that went most of the way but never seemed to reach its full potential.

Picture Perfect: Did the creators make the Oscar gnome, or did they find him and insist on using it. Either way, the gnome version of Oscar was just the right mix of funny and creepy.

Trivia Answer: The question was which six Corner Gas episodes mentioned Alberta or towns in Alberta. The answers are:

1. "Tax Man": Brent tells Marvin Drey that Oscar has gone to Hawaii. When Marvin questions it, Brent replies "no, not Hawaii, somewhere cheaper than that: Red Deer"

2. "World's Biggest Thing": Vegreville, AB is the "New Vegas" when Hank's scheme involves building a giant hoe in Dog River references the giant Easter egg.

3. "Hurry Hard": Brent tells Oscar that Randy Ferbey and Dave Nedohin switch skip/third roles, and mention that they are from Team Alberta.

4. "Doc Small": Hank has trouble with this joke, and Karen tries quizzing him on some other matters. Her one question involves a plane crash equally straddling the Alberta/Saskatchewan border asking where the survivors are buried. Hank guesses the Alberta side.

5. "Merry Gasmas": Lots of Alberta in this one: Lacey is in Calgary airport, then on the bus past Red Deer ("Red Deer's west, you want to be going east: that'll add 40,000 kilometres to your trip") then to the Edmonton airport before winding back at Calgary again.

6. "Gopher It": At the end of the episode, Hank brings up the cows in Calgary as a comparison for his prairie dog statue idea.

7. "Coming Distractions": When Davis is thinking of acronyms for "WANDA", "Wizards Against Nude Dancing in Alberta" is one of his suggestions.

Technically, the "I Love Alberta Beef" sticker on the back of Hank's truck and the Big Rock poster in Wes' Liquor/Insurance store could expand this to almost every episode, depending on the shots featured.

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Comments for the Best/Worst of Corner Gas are closed. Please direct all comments to the portal page.

Corner Gas Countdown, #1

Here we go! It's been a long way, but now we can say that we have come to the end of the countdown. Let's delve right into it, Corner Gas's series finale is on in just a few short hours!

For a change of pace, we are going to start with the worst episode, do today's HM, and then the #1 Corner Gas episode of all time.

#107: Comedy Night
Somehow... somehow, this episode managed to win the 2005 WGC Canadian Screenwriting Award. Don't ask me how. It stinks. It absolutely positively stinks. There's a comedian (ie. old friend of Brent Butt) in Dog River, and he's stolen Brent's joke and is an ass. Peter Kelamis's character is, along with the foster brother in "Classical Gas", one of the worst acting jobs in the entire series. His character never gives you any emotion other than anger... the anger that valuable electromagnetic radiation has been lost for eternity by being turned into this episode and broadcast into your eyes. The subplots include Hank becoming an insult comic at Lacey's insistance (pretty much some of the most uncomfortable and un-Hankish scenes Hank has in the series), and Brent's involvement in the women's book club. Other than the Fight Club inspired dialogue in the book club, it drags too. Finally, I don't know what part of Colin Mochrie television producers have mistaken for talent, but its not there and please stop putting that worthless snack fairy onto our screens. This episode was an incredible waste. To paraphrase Willaim Shatner in Brad Paisley's "Celebrity" music video, the only good part of this episode...was its ending.

Honourable Mention: Merry Gasmas
In what will hopefully be a Christmas tradition for many years to come, "Merry Gasmas" has been added to my roster of Christmas shows to watch and get into the spirit. Lacey decides to go home to Toronto for the holidays, and miss out on a "Dog River Christmas". The Dog River Christmas takes a serious hit though when Emma decides to use real cranberry sauce and a real Christmas tree. We learn that the Leroy's Christmas memories are basically devoted to ambulance rides, and that Wanda's abilities to spot hot trends in toy manufacturing is basically made up of her willingness to murder any parent who gets in her way. In one of the best Hank flashbacks, we see a reference to his own childhood...but not in the way you first think it will be. As a result, he convinces the cops to help the "poor family" -- only it turns out that they're actually just cheap. Of all the great parts of this episode, the best is Lacey stuck on the ground due to storms. At the Calgary airport, she has to hear a lot of talk about "YYC", "YYZ", "YEG" -- the airports at Edmonton/Calgary/Toronto. Finally putting herself on a bus, she ends up taking Highway 2 to Edmonton International Airport in the hopes of making it to Toronto via Vancouver. She gets to the counter, starts spouting "YYC" and is quickly shot down by the girl at the counter: "this is Edmonton. We don't talk like that here". One of the best parts of the series!





#1: Hero Sandwich
I really wish they had come up with a real life recipe for the Ruby Club: the delicious sandwich turns Dog River's life upside down. The episode opens up with a little magazine banter, and quickly turns into Wanda's goal of getting a tattoo. Brent discovers to his shock that his mother has a tattoo, and even more shocking: Oscar has one that dances when he's on his hands and knees. Emma volunteers to draw one for Wanda, which will be in a secret location on her person: until her annual strip show at the Corner Gas Christmas party. Lacey debuts a new sandwich for Brent: the aforementioned Ruby Club. He likes it, but still gets a Chili Cheese Dog. Over at the Mayor's office, Davis and Karen are learning about traffic studies which show a large spike in traffic. Karen can't buy it: outside the window a lone car idles by as a teenager on a skateboard passes it. The Mayor decides to put up a traffic light and crack down on jaywalking (to bring their down into the 20th century...in 2005). In a return to the "Howler Headlines" gag, Fitzy mentions that Gus promised to "print a gentle reminder". His headline? "CROSSWALK HELL: MAYOR INSANE" The headline catches Brent and Hank's eye at The Ruby, where the boys cannot fathom how Dog River could suffer from an "large amount of traffic" -- an "amount of large traffic" with the tractors and combines seems more likely -- while Hank heartily endorses the Ruby Club despite Lacey's pro-traffic light stance. Oscar barges in, angry as hell about the government nanny state being brought in...and "Call Before You Dig" suddenly loses its impact on him when he finds out about the traffic light. Another bit of brief "Howler Headlines", and suddenly we see that the jaywalking is being taken very seriously by Davis, who treats a farmer like he was a Polish man in the Vancouver airport.

Lacey tries her best to talk Oscar down (showing the classic Corner Gas "shot through the freezer" camera angle) from his anger and promote her "traffic light agenda", along with her Ruby Club. Karen and Davis discuss the jaywalking: Karen feels queezy about it, but Davis says nobody (except Steven Segall) is above the law and so "Goldilocks and Papa Bear" continue their efforts. We swing by The Ruby to find Emma is working hard on Wanda's tattoo, but her designs are pretty hard to comprehend, as Lacey discovers her Ruby Club is enormously popular with table after table ordering them. As Emma presents her drawings, Wanda is scared that she can't use any without offending Brent's mother... and Wanda knows that Emma Leroy is not the sort of person you offend unless you're well armed. Oscar and Hank get more and more worked up about the traffic light, and even more worked up by Lacey's non-opposition. The cops start impacting the main characters as Brent gets a jaywalking ticket from Karen... before forcing her to give herself one too. (If he's not Steven Segall, she's not Jean Claude Van Damm). To console him, he goes for a Ruby Club, only to find that Lacey is now upset that nobody wants anything else. She would pull it off the menu if she hadn't just put it back on. Over at the 4-way stop, Hank and Wanda pull up at the same time as Oscar and another old woman. In a beautifully coordinated scene, you really can't tell who has right of way, and eventually Wanda gives up and U-turns out as the cops look on. Oscar decides to perform civil disobedience, crossing in front of the Dog River Police Department daring them to chase him...they find its easier to harrass Hank. The two of them combine for 13 jaywalking tickets (not counting IOUs) and Oscar goes out on the lam avoiding the heat coming down on him. Lacey continues to get sick of Ruby Clubs as Oscar takes refuge in the restaurant. In the one bad scene of the episode, Wanda comes up with a cockamaimie story about how she's allergic to tattoo ink. When the story starts falling apart she just dashes. Whew, good to have that little 45 second stinker out of the way.

Now the episode goes all out: Hank confronts Fitzy at The Ruby to complain about the jaywalking tickets and the traffic light. Soon Wes and half the town are speaking out...well, Lacey is agnostic on the subject. As the townspeople get upset and the mayor can't respond with a Ruby Club in his mouth, Lacey comes up on the plan to publicly endorse the traffic light with $1 from every Ruby Club sold going towards its construction. As a result, the townspeople have to chose between eating the Ruby Club and fighting the traffic light: and Lacey's plan works perfectly, with people refusing to buy the food she is sick of. Fitzy's finally got his mouth empty and tells people about the traffic increase as Hank sells Oscar out to the cops. Brent and the townpeople can't figure out why the stats show a traffic increase, but Fitzy insists that the counter cable showed an extremely high increase. Now sit down for the best scene of the entire Corner Gas series: as Oscar is captured by Davis, Hank starts to wonder about this "cable counter"... it would just happen to be the yellow box he kept driving over and over again for fun with his truck. The first time I watched the episode I couldn't stop laughing for 5 minutes. Even today its made me laugh and guffaw twice. The look on Hank's face is priceless! The episode winds down with Wanda -- in the doldrums over actually not being able to get a tattoo because of her cover story -- getting a full portrait of Emma's horrible drawing, and bolting like hell when she can't keep up the interest. This episode, with the exception of the Wanda allergy scene, was perfect front to back. All of the subplots connected with each other and not only the main characters but Fitzy and Wes got involved in the act. Great scenes include Oscar's pickle-pricing obsession, Oscar's "eat your peas" speech, Hank's "werewolves" spelling nitpick, the two slow traffic jokes, Davis and Wanda "going after the big fish", and Hank and Lacey bickering over her "pro traffic light agenda" which Hank insists has been going on for "years" despite Lacey only being in town 10 months.

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This concludes the Corner Gas countdown. The final episode is going to be on soon, and I am hosting a little soiree here at Third Edge of the Sword World Headquarters. I will be serving chili cheese dogs and Pilsner beer. I might try to whip up a Ruby Club or two, we shall see.

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Comments for the Best/Worst of Corner Gas are closed. Please direct all comments to the portal page.

Edmonton traffic planners are either ignorant or stupid

Well, last week we heard that Alberta RCMP were clamping down on speeders (apparently a bunch of sherrifs were busy at the airport overpass on Thursday).

RCMP Spokesperson Doris Stapleton says the month of April usually sees an increase in speed-related crashes.

"We are asking motorists to obey all posted speed limits and use common sense. Slow down in bad weather, at night, and when driving on poorly lit roadways."

Uh, we did slow down for the bad weather. It's gone now, so now we drive fast again. And stop hounding us on the stupid "posted speed limit": you didn't put a moment's thought into creating that limit, and expect us all to follow it like a pack of trained seals.

In 2008, almost one out of every four fatal crashes involved driving at a speed unsafe for the road conditions.

Actually the British have found the number closer to 1/14 crashes caused by unsafe speeds. Police still report speed as a factor in 1/4 crashes, but it doesn't mean anything: as the linked site notes, its like saying that flight is a factor in plane crashes.

This is big because Edmonton is mulling lowering...that's right, lowering speed limits in residential neighbourhoods. The first thing to remember is that speed limits in Edmonton are all set artificially too low. The Whitemud was designed for 110 km/hr traffic in the 60s. There isn't a road in Edmonton that has a speed limit following the "85th percentile" rule, the gold standard for setting sensible and enforceable speed limits without interference from police and city councils who find their funding is vastly improved with:
a) a large number of people violating artifically low speed limits and having to pay tickets
b) justify their continued existence by being able to post news releases like this about "outrageous speeders", never mentioning that the "50 km/h zone on 118 Avenue and 54 Street" should be 80 km/h

So its a horrific shame that Edmonton's roadways are being threatened with lower speed limits, when what are needed are higher speed limits. Putting out "speeding is evil" ad campaigns really start losing their punch when it turns out that driving 75 km/h down 91st street is "speeding", or that daring to go 90 km/h on the Whitemud is a crime.

So as I mentioned on Twitter last week, if you're pulled over for speeding in Edmonton, ask the cop if you were over the 85th percentile. If you weren't, or if he doesn't know, then you weren't speeding.

Modern "speed kills" road safety policy appears to think that the ideal is traffic at zero mph and no accidents.

Here we see that The City of Edmonton has vaguely been informed of the 85th percentile: they believe that if the 85th percentile exceeds the posted limit by more than 8 km/hr they will "look at" raising the limit. Look at? The 85th percentile is telling the City of Edmonton that they are stupid. The 85th percentile is telling them what the speed limit is supposed to be. For the numbnuts on City Council to think they know the proper speed limit better than the combined wisdom of traffic engineers and 85% of the population is ludicrous. People like Amarjeet Sohi are morons who should be nowhere near the levers of power.

Promise to appear

The wounded man, 30, was flown to hospital by air ambulance with non-life-threatening injuries. He was released on a promise to appear for allegedly stealing a quad and a truck.

The injured 30-year-old man was taken to an Edmonton hospital, treated and released on a promise to appear in court. He has been charged with theft but his name hasn’t been released yet because the information hasn’t been sworn, Sgt. Jim Lank of Bashaw RCMP said later Thursday. The Privacy Act prevents police from releasing the identity of an accused until the information is sworn.

Lank also said it appears the other two men alleged to be involved in the theft will be charged.

The wounded man, 30, was flown to hospital by air ambulance with non-life-threatening injuries. He was released on a promise to appear for allegedly stealing an ATV and a truck.

The suspected thief suffered non-life threatening injuries and was sent to an Edmonton hospital. Meanwhile, he has been charged with stealing a quad and a truck.

Hey, here's a radical question: why the hell haven't police released the name of the charged ATV thief? We know Brian Knight's name, but not the crook Knight caught (let alone his two accomplises). The Red Deer Advocate story indicates that the accused theif hasn't had his information "sworn in" yet, and therefore cannot be released. This happened on March 26th! Brian Knight's name (albeit with his family and friends' support one may guess) is in the papers. I think its high time that some pencil pusher spent 3 minutes in his day properly swearing this information in. We should know who this scumbag is. For one thing, perhaps releasing his name might cause other persons who know him to put two and two together regarding their own missing property. For another, he doesn't deserve to exist in shadows while people slag Brian Knight's good name.

First the operational hours, then the tracks?

The City of Edmonton is considering something I suggested to them almost a decade ago: running an LRT line from Mill Woods to Whyte Avenue (though then to downtown: I suggested running through University en route to WEM).

Of course, then as of now, the question is where the money will come from, and if they will be smart and run the Whyte Ave line underground. Traffic there is already a problem. Maybe put a big LRT station at that old Esso station at 105th street?

Another issue with transit on Whyte Ave is that currently, the busses stop running around 1am. The bar crowd all gets out at 2am, and has a pizza and a piss and then wants to leave at 3am. Weekend late-night bus service has never been tried (just talked about), and the city might find that a lot of the social ills on the strip can be easily solved with late night busses: and then discover late night trains are even better...or unnecessary... who knows? Not ETS!

Corner Gas Countdown, #2

#2: Tax Man
This is pretty rare for a television series: the second episode (and the first one filmed) being the second best episode overall. In a story you've all heard many times before, this episode was filmed first, so that the strength of the guest star (Kids in the Hall's Kevin McDonald would carry the cast through the efforts of bonding. Well, it paid off. A single story with a variety of sources of humour, excellent acting, and a memorable kick start to the series. Within the first hour of filmed episodes, Corner Gas was at its stride. Anyways, a representative from Canada Customs and Revenue Agency arrives to audit Corner Gas's financial records from last year. Since this early in the show's run Oscar has recently retired, the taxman is looking for him. He's a little sensitive, concerned over abuse received by CCRA representatives from people like Oscar. We see the beginning of Wanda's smarter-than-thou behaviour on the subject of proper article use (ie. "a taxman" and "the taxman" are two very different thing), Lacey's fish out of water character, and Hank and Oscar's combined scheming forces. It's also the debut of Oscar's "jackass" catchphrase, which has to rank up there for something. Oscar can't find the files he needs for the taxman, and Emma as usual has all the answers if only anybody will listen. Several great moments in this one: Lacey and Marvin having a brief romantic moment before she learns where he works, "can I buy you a drink, bearing in mind I'm not gay" / "I could use a drink, bearing in mind I'm not an alcoholic", and Oscar's telephone conversation flashback. The "Elliot Ness" flashback was an early sign at how inventive the producers could be by showing us part of a scene and then later letting us know there was more to it. Contrasting big city and small town coffee prices was a good opener to the series as well. As I said, if they can hit the ground running with episodes like this, its a good sign.

Honourable Mention: Block Party
A replica of Dog River in the form of LEGO is the best thing to remember about this episode. Actually the best thing by far is Hank's LEGO-created Corner Gas in the dream he had during his construction efforts. The lego storyline really drives the episode: the Wanda birthday subplot was pretty lame (as so many Wanda subplots are) and Karen's static apnea was downgraded by the lame jokes Lacey (and the producers) kept torturing us with. However, Hank's struggle for artistic integrity with Davis, Emma chastising Brent for not playing with his LEGO, the burning down of the shed, and the two hundred year old flashbacks were also episode highlights.

#106: Bean There
Ugh, now we're starting to scrape the bottom of the Corner Gas barrel. This episode features not one, not two, but three painful storylines. First off, truckers invade The Ruby until Lacey insults them. Fortunately Davis is so enamoured that he helps her out with an unfunny "she's dying" rumour that gets overplayed fast. Oscar gets tied up with the truckers and eventually figures out a way to go for a ride. This summarizes unfunny storyline #1. Unfunny storyline #2 features Brent/Emma/Karen conspiring to do a Jelly Bean contest to help the kids playpark (various fake unfunny scenes of playpark disintegration to follow), but without actually counting the beans and instead making up a number. Of course, they apparently never decided on a fake number and ended up telling everybody in town different answers. This summarizes unfunny storyline #2. Unfunny storyline #3 is actually summarized in-storyline by Wanda: Hank pretends that she owns a Lamborghini to get them invited to a Lamborghini-owner BBQ, and various annoying scenes where they try to talk their way out of the embarassing gag. It wasn't funny on Full House, it wasn't funny here.

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"I'm on one side, I'm on the other side. I'm on the east bank, I'm on the west bank."

News report: University of Calgary scientists have discovered the edge of space.
FACLC translation: They mean the inner edge, not the outer edge.

News report:

There’s no such thing as a precise end to the Earth’s atmosphere since it just progressively gets thinner as you go up. So let’s take a look at how the instrument was able to make such a measurement.

FACLC translation: Please ignore our headline.

Somehow not related to The Lord of the Rings

The Oliphant Commission is winding down.

I swear this is the first time that I've ever heard the actual name of the commission, and now I know why.

The other Easter timing issue

Last March I expressed my confusion on why Easter couldn't be a normal holiday where you pick a day (December 25) or an easy formula (second Monday in October).


This year I ask another question: if Good Friday marks the day Jesus Christ was crucified, and Easter Sunday marks the day Jesus Christ was ressurected, why aren't they three days apart? After all, it was three days after His death when He rose again and walked amoungst the people. So if He was killed Good Friday, shouldn't Easter Monday mark the day of His return?

It turns out that I'm not the first person to think of this. In fact the Wikipedia page for Good Friday addresses this issue:

Some Baptist, Pentecostal, many Sabbatarian and non-denominational churches oppose the observance of Good Friday, instead observing the Crucifixion on Wednesday to coincide with the Jewish sacrifice of the Passover Lamb (which Christians believe is an Old Testament pointer to Jesus Christ). A Wednesday Crucifixion of Jesus Christ allows for Christ to be in the tomb ("heart of the earth") for three days and three nights as he told the Pharisees he would be (Matthew 12:40), rather than two nights and a day if he had died on a Friday.

You can also turn to the page on Maundy Thursday (which sounds like some sort of nickname for the Disney Channel lineup) but it still means that Jesus died on Friday, and that just doesn't work.

Incidentally, every holiday at work head office sends us this little fact-sheet to post in front of the public cubicle to explain what it is: Laylat ul Bara'ah is the "Night of Freedom from Fire", etc. etc. Does anybody know why it refered to Easter as a "Christian" holiday? (ie, why the quotations) Isn't it a Christan holiday? Perhaps the most Christian of holidays? Do the evil forces of multiculturalism make it impossible to even call something Christian without implying that obviously Sikhs and Jews get the day off too?

Corner Gas Countdown, #3

#3: Happy Campers
Its Leroy family fun time! If that sounds odd to you, well it sounds odd to everybody else as well: Brent and Oscar are going camping together? Annually? The boys every year get together and go camping, and this year Davis pushes his way into the fun. There is only one problem though: they don't really go camping. Emma insists that they do, but they always go into Regina and have their own separate vacations away from each other. They can't do it this year though: Davis can't keep secrets well. As a result, its Leroy family fun time! In Brent's absence, Wanda is in charge of Corner Gas which is a much easier job than running the Ruby (according to Lacey). Pretty soon the girls have decided to switch jobs, and Lacey and Wanda both learn that they have no idea how to operate the other's businesses. As the two stores fall apart, will Hank save the day? Er, no, he's... occupied with something. No weak story plots here, though the job switch one did drag. Davis and the Leroys off camping was priceless: Oscar complained, Brent complained, and Davis tried to escape. Well, by the end all three of them had tried to escape from each other to no success. There's only one thing to do...but if Oscar's shallow grave for Davis falls through Brent has a fallback plan: the usual routine: he plays D&D with some nerds while Oscar hangs around with homeless people. Back at the barn, Lacey resorts to Emma's help running Corner Gas and Karen enjoys her love of cooking at the Ruby. It all works well, until Emma and Karen argue over who has the tougher job and suddenly we're back where we started. This episode includes one of the greatest gags in the series, the infamous "Good Hair Day". Hank's good hair gives him a song, a dance, and a beautiful world in which to live. If that wasn't enough, Lacey's stupidest ideas skit was awesome: "buy a pie, get a turtle"? Meanwhile you'll have to watch the episode to see the other side of the "Good Hair Day" sketch, where the dog bites him and the kid cries. This was just a beautiful episode.

Honourable Mention: Mosquito Time
Dog River does a time capsule, where everybody in the main cast (as opposed to, you know, the whole town) puts things into a time capsule for what turns out to be one year. Lacey is not a mug, which confuses a lot of people. The mosquitos make this episode: everybody in town is affected accept for Hank. The reasons for Hank's immunity is a subject of much research and investigation, and Oscar thinks he's found the trick: at great expense to Brent's company. The Oscar running the gas station bit was pretty good as well. Watching people wishing to spend time with Hank was quite entertaining.

#105: An American in Saskatchewan
Yesterday we covered "American Resolution" and today we cover the second really bad Corner Gas episode to feature Americans. In this case, Kids in the Hall's Mark McKinney stars a tourist from Minnesota who went to Dog River by mistake. Hank plays goodwill ambassador, and tries to project all the ugly American stereotypes onto the tourist (who knows more about the Canadian system of government than Hank). So they fire Hank and leave him at home with a boot on his truck. The Yankee plot was pretty painful to watch, and again the "rah rah Canada" stuff made me want to lose my cookies. The other plot about the ATM invading Dog River and creating a group of above-the-law ATM people under Emma's control had a few bright spots (Davis' Walking Tall inspired 2x4 march into the liquor store) but otherwise it was pretty weak too. This episode also suffered from a slow pacing and uninspired performances.

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Friday Night Blues and Beer

Darcy over at Dust My Broom specializes in this sort of thing, but enjoying an Old Speckled Hen out in the sunshine has motivated me.

So here's the classic "Alberta" as sung by Chris Nole:

Missing tweets. Again. Huge numbers of tweets disappear

Below is all of the tweets I have sent since roughly April 4th. Since they disappear off Twitter at an alarming rate, I thought I'd save them here. I'm quite fond of a few of them.

# @abspectator Please, everybody, stop posting tweets every time you are disappointed in #Obama. I think its causing 85% of the fail whalesless than a minute ago from web in reply to abspectator

# @ScottFralick That's easy: those of us who arent slaves to trends don't have piercings or tattoos, and those with them are conformists8 minutes ago from web in reply to ScottFralick

# Speed trap at the top of groat. Better luck next time, SLUGHEADS. #yegabout 1 hour ago from txt

# Mental note to self: when getting cash back at wal mart, remember to take the cash.about 2 hours ago from txt

# Its a shame you can't buy PS/2 mice anymore. USB adds another layer of driver to go wrong.about 3 hours ago from txt

# India: Please use chemical weapons on the protesters at the #ablegabout 3 hours ago from txt

# Finding insects on your windowsill is a bad sign of spring. Bad sign! #yegabout 3 hours ago from txt

# Time to head out on the road and beat the #yeg speedtraps. Oh glorious receptor of electromagnetic radiation...about 4 hours ago from web

# Staycation, greasy commerce wheel, and bum of the mind: #CornerGas countdown #5 is all about entering lexicons http://tinyurl.com/d92p4sabout 22 hours ago from web

# Finding insects on your windowsill is a bad sign of spring. Bad sign! #yegabout 23 hours ago from txt

# Paula Simons brings up the "neo con" boogeyman in her column today. I know she can spell the word, but if only she had a clue what it means11:18 AM Apr 9th from txt

# Edmonton Police can assault you in your home and get away with it. http://tinyurl.com/ccms2t Good news for Brian Knight, right? #yeg7:58 AM Apr 9th from txt

# How many chili cheese dogs do U have to eat to be The Ruby's "Customer of the Month"? #CornerGas countdown #6: http://tinyurl.com/d92p4s10:32 PM Apr 8th from web

# Remember how @levarburton looked as an old man in the TNG series finale? His identical twin is at Timmys8:59 PM Apr 8th from txt

# My #yeg puppy mill plan is working perfectly: raise puppies in bad conditions, then have them seized so high-profile adoptions up the demand7:53 PM Apr 8th from web

# The fake @craigmactavish profile would be more funny if his tweets didn't have a sad connection with reality #oilers #fmnf #MacTavigeddon6:26 PM Apr 8th from web

# @pmharper Have a good time in Edmonton on Thursday Mr. Prime Minister. Sorry us working stiffs can't make it. #yeg6:22 PM Apr 8th from web in reply to pmharper

# @DougKyle Sorry, was being facetious: The greasy commerce wheel has already ordered more, just thought the coincidence was weird6:16 PM Apr 8th from web in reply to DougKyle

# @dougkyle Hell I'll take 'em for work. Idiot coworker decided to clean up storage cubicle w/o authorization: threw all the new ones out5:46 PM Apr 8th from web in reply to DougKyle

# Memo to Amarjeet Sohi: I am gonna start driving 90km/hr in your neighbourhood starting tonight you do gooder piece of filth. #yeg #morons3:06 PM Apr 8th from mobile web

# Why would sodomites be more likely to need sex changes to such an extent they would angrily protest? Abnormal freaks stick together?12:28 PM Apr 8th from mobile web

# Reports are that the US ship has freed itself from Somali pirates. If they had done that from the start the problem would have solved itself11:48 AM Apr 8th from txt

# Job 4 the Twitterverse:a blogger or neighbour knows the name of this 12yr old quebec girl who sued her dad. I think her anonymity is forfeit10:11 AM Apr 8th from txt

# Edmonton Eskimos home opener is only 85 days away! #Oilers6:45 AM Apr 8th from web

# How immediate are these immediate increases on liquor taxes? How soon should I restock my cabinet? #ableg5:49 PM Apr 7th from web

# The #CornerGas countdown found a better episode than one with Gabrielle Miller and Tara Spencer-Nairn in bikinis! http://tinyurl.com/c5ktta5:25 PM Apr 7th from web

# City of Edmonton makes an asian couple the publc face of bad driving. http://tinyurl.com/cdlm8t5:05 PM Apr 7th from web

# @chigaze Finally. Now we just need it to get into double digits daily and never below zero at night and #yeg can officially begin spring5:10 PM Apr 6th from web in reply to chigaze

# @The_Steaks At least the moon is safe for a few more months! http://tinyurl.com/cls7wd #WeAreAllGonnaDie4:36 PM Apr 5th from web in reply to The_Steaks

# Kafe et Baileys sur la terrasse, le Spice Girls movie de observation à la télévision. Un après-midi ensoleillé parfait dans #yeg3:52 PM Apr 5th from web

# Yesterday's high was +5.5, today in #yeg its already +4 but Weather Network says high only expected to reach 6? C'mon global warming, hurry!11:48 AM Apr 5th from web

# @jasoninthehouse Funny... ID'ing the 3rd party who buys your plane ticket is one of those security Q's asked at airports isn't it?2:41 AM Apr 5th from web in reply to jasoninthehouse

# @Defend_Freedom Doesn't US gov't spend a lot of money on advisors, joint chiefs, and admirals/generals? How can State not have a NK plan?2:39 AM Apr 5th from web in reply to Defend_Freedom

# @veganboy I'm sure Obama can come up w/ something, but what if N. Korea doesn't want any DVDs or wacky red buttons?2:36 AM Apr 5th from web in reply to veganboy

# @Radioblogger Maybe its like what Billy Crystal was told in Analyze This? "You're an employee of Mr. Vitti, so you're on call 24 hrs a day"12:14 AM Apr 5th from web in reply to Radioblogger

# @RadioAdnan He'll blame Bush, of course. Um... "if he were President right now this never would have happened". Ergo, his fault it did.9:58 PM Apr 4th from web in reply to RadioAdnan

# The balloon (er, satellite?) is going up! @iNews880 "Breaking:Japanese government says North Korea has launched a rocket." #WeAreAllGonnaDie9:00 PM Apr 4th from web

# @tylerdola Maybe one of your other neighbours already called the #yeg snitch line? He has to remove (within 24? 48hrs?) or be fined.7:44 PM Apr 4th from web in reply to tylerdola

# #Alberta campaign against "dangerous speeders" http://bit.ly/D8aRV If pulled over, demand the cop explain his knowledge of "85th percentile"7:33 PM Apr 4th from web

# I assumed the "missing photo" incident was so when #G20 policies make things worse @pmharper could claim he wasn't there http://bit.ly/6QA1r6:48 PM Apr 4th from web

Now what's causing all the twitter failures? "Some users experiencing missing tweets" Twitter reported... on March 18th.

Dan Houndsell hasn't come up with the reason, though I applaud his efforts.

This thread on Twitter Support is as good a way as any to keep track. Most recently we discover today's problem: tweets not pushing through to your homepage. You can check Twitter's status regularly on Twitter, assuming Twitter is working to provide you the regular status updates.

Corner Gas Countdown, #4

#4: Blog River
When this episode first came on TV, I had no choice but to blog about it. How could I not include this one? Hank starts a blog, but unfortunately nobody reads it. Nobody listens to him either, and when they realize pretending to read his blog means not listening to him speak it becomes incredibly popular. Brent learns a valuable lesson about lying to a friend (do a good job of it), and Lacey learns who is the best at horseshoes (Oscar, so she shouldn't expect anything to come from her life). Even if just for the Hank musin' this would be an excellent episode. But there's more to it: Lacey's in the doldrums because of her friends' success. Winning at horseshoes was just what it took to give her a reason to be happy, and only Oscar could beat her. The bad mood affects even soup, and so champion horseshoe-thrower Leroy has to throw horseshoes (which is part of the game) so poorly that he throws horseshoes (which isn't part of the game). Davis loses money when Wanda' math ignorance intersects with his taxes (Taxes ∩ Ignorance), and he has to recover it by taking somebody to bet on the fixed game. Lacey hits Hank with a rock... the fun here never ends.

I'm getting a sandwich.

Honourable Mention: Demolition
What red blooded Canadian wouldn't want to tear down a barn? Hell, even left-wing gasbag immigrants cum CBC affirmative action recipients cum Governor General affirmative action recipients love to tear down barns. Hank decides to kill a cow demolish a barn, and needs Brent's help to do it... or at the very least
Brent's help to avoid an international disaster. Oscar tags along for reasons yet to be delved into, though his insistance on bringing a lot of gloves ties into the Lacey/Emma "girls night" plot. Wanda takes up photography, and after 60,000 photos of grain elevators gets old, she moves onto helping Davis beat Oscar for "Newsmaker of the Year" (Barley Thieves Barely qualify, Karen thinks). Unfortunately Karen is more photogenic than Davis (duh), so the struggle for supremacy has an added kick. A fair number of good jokes, and the delight of being reminded why Hank continues to afford food: the man knows engines/clutches/a dynamite guy. In the end, the barn is destroyed. No word on the fate of the cow.

#104: American Resolution
Whoo boy, now we're starting to get to one of Corner Gas's biggest flaws: sometimes the show tries to scream "We're Canadian" in such a way that Alberta Sovereigntists get edgy over. This is one of them. Oscar decides to show how Canadian he is, and its painfully over the top. The episode ends with Emma insisting Brent sign the Canadian National Anthem at a sporting event, and it... is not at all enjoyable. It's also predictable, as is Lacey's "plot" to win a competition over who's New Year's Resolution could hold out the longest. It was predictable, but Brent's chili cheese dog resolution was at least funny. Davis and Karen feuding over coffee is similarly lame, and doesn't really go anywhere.

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Corner Gas Countdown, #5

Welcome to the halfway point of the Corner Gas top ten countdown. I see that Wikipedia has now input the description for the final episode to air next Monday:

You've Been Great, Goodnight:
Brent's mysterious disappearances every Wednesday night have the whole town talking. When it is discovered he has been pursuing a lifelong dream, everyone is forced to cope with the news.

Now let's get back to the countdown, shall we?

#5: Telescope Trouble
If a man dies in an RV, you should get a discount for it. So goes Oscar's reasoning, but Emma intervenes, and the Leroys are now RVers. So with southern Saskatchewan as a starting point, where will they go? The Rocky Mountains? The Great Lakes? Their son's gas station less than a 5 minute drive from home? Um, you guessed it, that last one. This is one of those episodes that has a great opening ("It's coffee flavour for your coffee." "But coffee already tastes like coffee. Like, a lot.") with a good half dozen laughs and then won't let it go. Anyways back to the aforementioned plot, Oscar and Emma discover that the RV is just too much for them... but camping in front of Corner Gas is too much for Brent. Lacey doesn't even let them start, but Karen and Davis are willing to give it a go. Davis's 15th Kumbaya round:
a) reminds me of camping with my old man
b) convinces the Leroys to pack their bags and keep on going
This episode is just getting started though: Brent's door is busted, so he gets Lacey's door guy to fix it which emasculates Brent and saddens Hank. Lacey has trouble understanding all this, which eventually leads to her door guy abandoning her. There's a ton of killer scenes in this episode: the RV/tree gag, everybody's trouble understanding Copernicus, Lacey and Hank on the deck, and the garage scene where Wanda catches Brent using her telescope. Ohhh, the telescope: I haven't even got to the best bit. Wanda needs to protect her telescope from her kid (so it goes to Corner Gas), and Hank (so it goes to the police station), and Davis (so it goes to Brent's garage). Why was Wanda worried about Hank? In one of the best scene's in the series, we see how Hank broke Wanda's car window (I just watched it now and re-laughed again). In addition, this episode gives us some of the great Corner Gas slang: "bum of the mind", "greasy commerce wheel", "Big Daddy Government", "respect crumbs", "a rugged delicate flower", "whipped by a warranty", and "shielded by the power of my intense disinterest". This one was just classic, no matter how you look at it.

Honourable Mention: Mail Fraud
In the spirit of Corner Gas slang, we now present the episode which features the greatest of all Corner Gas slang (maybe not counting "Impractical Serious" from the episode "Outside Joke"). "Mail Fraud" is the episode that shows Brent's infamous "Staycation". The word has really taken off, and this episode is the one that did it. Oscar's email plot is really good, especially the Davis intimidation scene. The staycation scenes are very enjoyable, with Brent's postcards to Lacey and Hank's confusion over the arranging of nations sticking out. The Davis/Karen potluck story was a bit of a downer, but its forgiven.

#103: One Piano, Four Hands
Karen has horrific childhood memories of signing a cast. Some of her excuses are a bit funny, but mostly pretty weak. The "hyper-lame" kid's mullet was good. Oscar and Brent fight over an airpump. Brent and Oscar remember the same scene slightly differently: this episode is spared further degrading by Oscar's memory involving him being flanked by 4 Roughrider cheerleaders (sexy bare midriffs always help). Hank helps Lacey's broken arm by coaching her in the A's of injuries. Unfortunately for Hank, Lacey's "avoidance" stage isn't as debilitating as he remembers, and his years of experience are neglected. Well, we're ignoring the worst storyline: Davis and Wanda both get piano lessons from Emma. It involves a lot of Emma's pointless bickering, Wanda's whining, and Davis walking around looking smug. Brent's counselling her about "maybe he's better at piano" was the bright side of this storyline (and the revelation that Hot Cross Buns and Three Blind Mice are the same tune). Wanda's reaction to the Hank truck accident also helps this episode be almost not unwatchable.

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A tale of two Hawks

First off, check out this post from TigerHawk about President Monkey's administration coincidentally hosting the first ever seizing of a U.S. ship by Somali Pirates. The best part is the interesting talk about naval law and how it relates to the U.S. Constitution:

By the Law of the Sea, dating all the way back to the Black Book of the Admiralty in the 14th century, a compendium of European laws based on Roman sea law, a ship is sovereign territory of a Nation. When you fire on that ship, you attack that Nation.

This gets put into the US Constitution via the Law of Nations, and then into the US Code for Piracy. This is the only direct reference in the Constitution to a body of extant work already known at the time of the founding. There is a further implicit call-out making the President the head of the Armies and the Navies, thus responsible for responses directly against pirates via being the head of the Admiralty. Ships retain that status until they are out of easy reach of the sea, beyond headlands or other enclosure that cuts of the access to the sea. The early SCOTUS continually struck down laws in the early 19th century that Congress had put forward to limit that, depending upon the Admiralty source for the US to be the power as it was under William, not later Kings and Queens of England and Great Britain. US Ships do not fall out of US jurisdiction until that point, so the attack on the USS Cole is piracy against the US... if we dared to prosecute it.

Then switch gears over to IowaHawk, and his fake (for now) news story about a police sting nabbing faggot joke smugglers. As you may have heard, call a sodomite a sodomite in Britain and you might wind up in jail. Here's how silly that really sounds:

At a separate checkpoint, Patel made a similar discovery when checking the poodle cage of the other two men, who claimed to be pre-op transexuals on their way to Sweden. Sensing a conspiracy, officials took all four and the poodle into custody.

"The detainees at first denied any complicity. But when our detectives rearranged the words they formed the phrase, 'how do you get four poofs on a bar stool? Turn it upside down.' That's when we handcuffed them," explained Green. A subsequent search of the culprits' baggage yielded hundreds of additional homophobic anagrams.

Ed Stelmach is a dangerous man when he's sober. Which is too often

The British pub is dying. So says this article, titled... "The British Pub is Dying":

In the part of London where I work, 19 pubs have gone under since England went smoke free. This tallies with a Telegraph report that we now have 6,000 fewer pubs than a decade ago.

The pub is a cornerstone of British life, perhaps the only one that is still recognisable. Our churches are empty, our post offices are closing down, and our schools are alien places governed by strange rules.

Normally one associates the campaign to save the pub with real ale drinkers in country villages. But Islington South is far from being a Chestertonian paradise. For the Tories to ever win here the Great Reform Act would have to be repealed: its beautiful Georgian squares are home to some very rich people, but many of its streets are grim. King's Cross is much improved from the early Noughties, when crack addicts shuffled around like extras from a zombie movie, but nearby Caledonian Road is still scary at night, and even scarier at 4 pm.

The area has the highest percentage of economically inactive households in the south of England: almost 50 per cent in 2007 and surely higher now - pretty stunning, since it borders the City of London, the centre of the world economy in the past decade.

The anti-alcohol lobby would say that this supports the case for having fewer pubs. But when pubs close down, people don't drink less, they just drink at home – or in parks (show me a London park that doesn't have at least 20 cans of Tyskie or Lech lying around).

Drinking and smoking comes to mind when looking at the 2009 Alberta budget:

Alberta’s budget today hiked sin taxes instead of making deeper program cuts or raising taxes elsewhere. Cigarette taxes are going up by $3 a carton, while steep increases to the hidden taxes on liquor are the first increase since 2002.

“We’ll have probably the priciest beer, wine and spirits in the country,” said Rick Crook, CEO of Liquor Stores GP, which runs Alberta’s Liquor Depot and Liquor Barn outlets.

He said it was hard to predict whether the hikes would dent sales. “We’ve never faced a tax increase of this magnitude.”

The markups won’t affect liquor currently in stores’ inventory, but will take effect on all bottles and cans stores and bars order from the province’s centralized distributor — meaning that pricier product will hit shelves within days. Higher cigarette taxes, which also go up by more than 50 per cent for loose tobacco, will be in place after midnight today.

(at the very least this answers my twitter question on the topic)

Okay look, I've warned you about this before, and you didn't listen, and now we have minimum drink prices in bars, minimum drink prices in liquor stores, that stupid last call law, and a bunch of other regressive laws that could be avoided if we had a drinking Premier (I am, in fact, interested in the job so you're aware).

So the government couldn't find any program cuts anywhere? Not ditching this stupid "stop homelessness" plan? Not ditching the renter assistance program? Not dumping the money into a giant hole?

Is this a good time to share with you this email from Paul Hinman?

Hello Alberta Taxpayer

March 13, 2009

I send this letter with the hope you will respond and insure that Alberta is better tomorrow than it is today. Together we can do better.

I would like to start by thanking the Premier for being open and sharing his vision to borrow money to make Alberta better. It is our duty now to study the proposal, ask the right questions and see if it makes good business sense for Alberta.

Money is a great enabler and useful servant but it is a cruel and crushing master. I agree with the Premier, as I am sure you do, that now is a much better time to build than one year ago. It's a better time to buy a house, for that matter. Costs are down for labour and materials. Costs are down to borrow. The question is, is this the time to save or to spend?

This is where I part ways with the Premier as I feel his government's spending and management has been anything but stellar. It is one thing to spend capital that has been saved during good times and quite another to borrow during questionable times. I believe, based on their records, that Alberta and Premier Stelmach are more likely to look like Teck Cominco, GM or GE than a debt-free business with cash in the bank, ready for great opportunities.

Teck Cominco got caught up in the boom, borrowed and spent everything they could to make a major purchase at the top of the commodity bubble. Stelmach and company spent every last surplus dollar and even dollars that were not quite in the bank yet to run the first deficit in over a decade.

We do not want Alberta to be like GM, which cannot survive without taxpayers carrying their monstrous unfunded liabilities. Premier Stelmach's government did not keep its own law to pay off all the debt with the surplus dollars. They owed over $3 billion to the teachers’ pension fund and accepted the teachers $3 billion plus portion of their pension fund as well. It would have been one thing to ante up the surplus revenue and be done with it but, in the interest of being re-elected and buying votes with surplus dollars and spending announcements, they failed to do this.

Does this government have a sound economic business plan to pay back a $6 billion dollar debt? No, and despite the Stelmach PC's proclaiming there'll be a quick recovery for the second half of this year, the truth is that nobody knows when the economic pendulum will begin its upswing again. The government has no business gambling with taxpayers’ money.

Let us make sure we keep one Alberta advantage: “Debt Free”, with a balanced budget. We must go through our spending commitments, prioritize them, and keep only the most essential while cutting the discretionary grants to ensure we balance the budget. This means that, if we want to spend an extra billion dollars on roads we will need to raise fuel taxes. Likewise, if we want to spend $1.4 billion on schools then let us double the education portion of our property taxes, and if we want to spend another billion dollars on hospitals and health care then let us put in an "adult handling and processing fee", or start collecting premiums again.

I am not advocating raising taxes, just pointing out the financial realities of an age in which we like to pretend services such as roads, education and health care is free.

If those who say the economy will bounce back by the end of the year are right, then tightening our belt now will leave us stronger and in a much better position if we remain debt free. If they are wrong and this is a long recession we will be better off staying out of debt and, as we leave the recession with no debt payments slowing our recovery, will have revenue to spend and build with.

Governments, especially this one, do not have a great track record when it comes to good fiscal management. It was as if they won the lottery and spent it all in a few fast, short years. We should have had a 10 year infrastructure plan and money in the bank with a priority list that showed the projects' order of importance along with their estimated cost.

If we do not require our governments to have a balanced budget we will not have the economic recovery we desire. Businesses in debt do not flourish when bankers tell them how to run their companies and the economy does not do well when governments burden businesses and taxpayers with high taxes to pay off past spending. Look at the federal situation today. While we have had several years of government surplus, taxes remain too high in part because of interest and principal payments on the still huge national debt.

My personal view is if we want to spend, fine - but we must do it with a balanced budget just as our municipal governments must do and balance that spending with the appropriate taxes to pay for what we say we must have. Albertans do not pass the buck. Not to the next generation, not to another sector of the economy. We have worked hard to insure our children's Alberta is debt free and we have learned from our past mistakes.

Our vision and our goal is to pass to them a province and opportunities that are as good as or better than what we received. We pay our own way. We are debt free. We shall remain "Strong and Free". Fortis et Liber

Paul Hinman F-MLA
Leader Wildrose Alliance