2015 Alberta Election: The best candidate in each riding

As you may know, an Alberta election is underway. Will godless socialists form government and/or opposition? Will Jim Prentice be the PC leader who finally breaks that hallowed "PCs look in trouble at the time of the election call and then handily win a majority" streak? Will voters remember their distaste of Danielle Smith/Alison Redford/Raj Sherman in the ballot box?

Just like during the 2012 provincial election, it's time to run down every single riding in Alberta. For each of the 87 ridings in Alberta, here is my picks for who represents the best choice for a bold and positive vision for Alberta. As always, these are my picks, if yours are different than yours are totally wrong.

Airdrie: Angela Pitt is angry, she says voters are angry, and after yet another Rob Anderson floor crossing they deserve her as their new Wildrose MLA.

Athabasca-Sturgeon-Redwater: Wildrose's Travis Olson is your strong pick for this riding (he has a cool cowboy hat and a hot wife), and it's worth noting that the NDP's Colin Piquette is one of those "Friends of Medicare" so voting in Olson is yet another stick in the heart of that disgusting organization

Banff-Cochrane: Again we see no practical difference between statist NDP'er Cam Westhead and statist PC'er Ron Casey. Your pick here is Scott Wagner, Wildrose.

Barrhead-Morinville-Westlock: His experience on the Western Hog Exchange should be valuable in undoing all the PC graft, so stick with Glenn van Dijken, Wildrose

Battle River-Wainwright: Without Doug Griffiths holding down a solid seat for the Tories, there's a really good chance here for Wildrose's Wes Taylor. Don't let him down!

Bonnyville-Cold Lake: Another no-incumbent race, so push hard and you'll get Scott Cyr as your Wildrose candidate, though it's worth noting that PC'er Craig Copeland is one of the least insane of the PC candidates.

Calgary-Acadia: Hey, you remember Jonathan Denis don't you? Teach him a lesson, and replace him with Wildrose candidate Linda Carlson, who could be your next Health Minister.

Calgary-Bow: Trevor Grover of the Wildrose is definitely your man here, and not just because it opens up for all sorts of fun "near....far..." impromptu gags on the lawn of the Legislature.

Calgary-Buffalo: Wildrose candidate Leah Wamboldt is your choice here. If the Liberals win the riding, by the way, look angrily to the sky and scream "KKHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNN! KKHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNN!

Calgary-Cross: You'll definitely be cross if you wake up May 6th in this riding and your new MLA isn't either Rick Hanson or Moiz Mahmood. Hell, the Green weenie Peter Meic says he's an auto mechanic and inspired by David Suzuki, so he's lying about something. I think I've met Wildrose's Moiz Mahmood, and something in the back of my brain is tickling me about it. If I could remember what it was I'd strongly suggest one way or the other, but let's give Rick Hanson the slight edge in this one.

Calgary-Currie: Terry DeVries of the Wildrose appears to be an excellent candidate here, one of those rare teachers that actually gets it rather than quoting ATA garbage. As always, Liberal Shelley Wark-Martyn loses points for not taking her husband's name and doing that silly hyphenation thing. She's also from Ontario and worked under Bob Rae, so that's strikes two and three.

Calgary-East: Make sure you're in the right riding here, by the way: there's both an East and a South-East, which just seems lazy. In Calgary-East your man is Wildroser Ali Waissi who worked for the Mustard Seed in Calgary, and also was the 2012 campaign manager for Third Edge of the Sword favourite Ron Leech.

Calgary-Elbow: This is the big one, where Gordon Dirks (the man responsible for Faggot-Familiar Alliances) is going up against the leader of the far-left coward-friendly Alberta Party (Greg Clark). This is a great chance to stab both the Alberta Party and the man who forced sexual deviants into schools in the back, and elect Social Credit candidate Larry Heather. If you need a second choice, Megan Brown would be the third hottest MLA in the Legislature if she gets in.

Calgary-Fish Creek: With former interim Wildrose leader Heather Forsyth stepping down, this is another pretty wide open field. The best pick here is another Social Credit candidate, this time Martin Owen, who beats out Wildrose's Blaine Maller.

Calgary-Foothills: Hey look kids, it's the home riding of Jim Dinning! There's good stuff here from Wildrose candidate Keelan Frey who looks and sounds just like an accountant. Alberta could use one of those.

Calgary-Fort: The PC candidate in this is a former Calgary police officer, and frankly Rick Hanson is enough of those. Kenyan-born Jeevan Mangat is in a book called "Alberta Titans" which I'm very jealous of, but the Wildroser will get my nod anyways.

Calgary-Glenmore: What's the Wildrose equivalent of "win one for the Gipper?" This is where Wildrose got their start with a Paul Hinman 2009 byelection win, but the PCs currently hold the riding. The Wildrose candidate, Chris Kemp-Jackson, is your choice here, a former diplomat who, it's odd to note, befitting his status as the old black guy running for the party, he's presently unemployed. Fun fact: $50 to the first person who can go on YouTube and try speaking this phrase aloud, courtesy Alberta Party candidate Terry Lo:
Corporations must stop riding on the coattails of small business and the middle class. They get the lowest tax rate in Canada but not the small businesses

Calgary-Greenway: This is one of the rare three-horse urban ridings, and probably the weakest candidate options in the province. None of these dregs are any good, but if you don't want to spoil your ballot (feel free to write-in "Feynman and Coulter's Love Child"), then go for Devinder Toor, Wildrose.

Calgary-Hawkwood: And now there are six: you'd think a couple of these folks could swing on up to Calgary-Greenway, but I guess not. Anyways, Social Credit leader Len Skowronski gets your nod here as the best candidate, with apologies to Jae Shim who I just finished promoting. Fun fact: Alberta Party candidate Beth Barberree (who's profile brags that she's shacked up with a guy) is a big fan of government regulation, pushing for her own industry to fall under the control of big government.

Calgary-Hays: This is one of the toughest ridings to call. On one hand, we have Ric McIver, the man who ran against Prentice and was the easy pick for best of the three-way race for the PC leadership. Wildrose's candidate is Robert Mailloux, an IT guy who seems strong on the taxpayer front. Meanwhile, the weakest of all the Social Credit candidates is in this riding: Zachary Doyle, a creepy looking guy who says "we believe that the means outweigh the end" which doesn't on its face make any sense. He's also big on increasing the minimum wage. This is basically between Mailloux and McIver, but let's give the nod to the man who could win this riding and possibly be the next PC Leader (if only by default).

Calgary-Klein: The riding named after the former Premier that Red Redford couldn't wait to ship under a bus, this features PC MLA Kyle Fawcett, the man who signed onto Jim Prentice's bizarre misunderstanding of how economic cycles works. Your clear choice in this riding is Jeremy Nixon, the first of two Wildrose Nixons. Bonus: by voting against Green Party candidate Noel Keough, you're firing one of the Fast Forward columnists who deserves to be fired for his disgusting views.

Calgary-Lougheed: Speaking of ridings names after former PC Premiers...I can't wait to tell you about Edmonton-Getty and Calgary-Redford and Calgary-Prentice in 2047...this one features a rare Alberta Liberal in Calgary appearance. The best candidate to chose from here is Wildrose's Mark Mantei.

Calgary-Mackay-Nose Hill: This riding is currently held by PC MLA Neil Brown. Don't be ashamed if you said "who" when you read that, outside of his own mother I'm not sure how many people are aware that he exists. That number may fall by one on May 6th, especially if you pick Kathy Macdonald, the Wildrose candidate and amateur (unranked) tennis player.

Calgary-McCall: This is the riding where far-left activist media under the direction of Mike Morrison objected to Craig Chandler's participation in the campaign for PC candidate Jagdeep Sahota. It's a shame, since the Wildrose candidate is the guy with the best politician name ever, Happy Mann, but just to stick it in the craw of the sodomistic Morrison it's best to go with Sahota here.

Calgary-Mountain View: The riding of lying fake doctor David Swann, your far and away best bet here is Wildrose candidate Terry Wong even when his bio includes bizarre phrases

Calgary-North West: Another riding where a left-wing PC incumbent (Sandra Jansen in this case) can be replaced by a strong conservative alternative with the election of Jeff Callaway, the Wildrose founder and former Party President who was one of the strongest voices in opposition to the Danielle Smith defection plans. In case you were wondering, Alberta Party candidate Christopher Blatch is a sniveling cowardly who thinks that jobs aren't created from wealth production, believes that a 5% trimming is a "massive cut", and when you show him how wrong he is he runs and hides. He's a pathetic little man-baby, I hope he doesn't even get enough votes to get his deposit back.

Calgary-Northern Hills: Another relatively weak riding, but your best choice here is Prasad Panda for the Wildrose Party.

Calgary-Shaw: Another PC floor crosser to punish here: your best candidate is Brad Leishman for the Wildrose. As an aside, if you've ever noticed a bias in the "Army News" newsletter for the Department of National Defense, it's because of the NDP candidate in this riding.

Calgary-South East: The ideal candidate for this riding is Wildrose's Brandon Lunty, who explicitly mentions that taxpayers are the source of government money which is frankly awesome. Meanwhile, the NDP candidate Mirical Macdonald is so boring even the NDP didn't bother filling out her riding profile.

Calgary-Varsity: Your best bet here is Wildrose candidate Sharon Polsky who specializies in privacy and access to information issues.

Calgary-West: Another three-way race, the best option here is Gerard Lucyshyn, the Wildrose candidate who has been involved in managerial consulting, and has experience with both legal and economic matters.

Cardston-Taber-Warner: This is another Wildrose floor-crossing riding. Gary Bikman didn't even secure his nomination, so you aren't so much punishing the PC's Brian Brewin as much as you are rewarding
Grant Hunter when you vote for the Wildrose candidate who has worked as a financial officer for the federal Conservatives.

Chestermere-Rocky View: This riding started off being notorious for the PC candidate, Brian McAllister the floor crosser from Wildrose. It ended up being notorious instead for Jamie Lall, the rejected candidate who maybe or maybe not was a little inappropriate following a bad breakup. While there's certainly nothing wrong with Wildrose's Leela Aheer and she would make a fine MLA, it's worth a jab to the backroom PC boys to elect Jamie Lall just for spite.

Cypress-Medicine Hat: An easy choice here, the man who should have been the Wildrose Leader, your pick is Drew Barnes.

Drayton Valley-Devon: Here you have a chance to stick it to another cowardly Alberta Party candidate, Connie Jensen who thinks the problems in America are solved by Sex Ed (and by running and hiding when somebody questions your insane logic). Your best pick here is Mark Smith, the Wildrose candidate who used to work wtih Preston Manning and Cliff Breitbrueuz.

Drumheller-Stettler: Another easy pick, the far and away best candidate is Rick Strankman, the Wildroser who fought for your civil rights. He's like Alberta's Martin Luthor King, and when he wins, celebrate by eating your wife's pie.

Dunvegan-Central Peace-Notley: In the riding named after the dad of Edmonton's second most offensive politician, what better way to show the socialists how wrong they are by electing the Wildrose candidate, Kelly Hudson.
Edmonton-Beverly-Clareview: The media is painting this as a race between two statists: NDP'er Deron Bilous and PC'er Tony Caterina. While it's tempting to put busty Wildroser Stephani Diacon into the MLA's chair, Tony Caterina, MLA is just a phrase that will piss off all the right people.

Edmonton-Calder: The odds of removing cowardly moron David Eggen, so stupid that he doesn't realize what public healthcare is even though it's his onyly issue, is low, but still worth a try to put Andrew Altimas, Wildrose in the chair.

Edmonton-Castle Downs: This seat is currently held by fag-lover Thomas Lukaszuk, who is a fan of the big lie about the sodomist lifestyle (and also regularly gets assaulted by the elderly). Electing Wildroser Gerrit Roosenboom (what's with all the Wildrose Dutchmen?) sends the statists like Lukaszuk and NDP'er Nicole Goehring the right message.

Edmonton-Centre: There's only one clear answer here, an easy way to send pro-poofter Laurie Blakeman packing. Greg Keating, the man who so offended the media chattering classes that they had to delete any critical mentions of their biased news coverage.

Edmonton-Decore: Your best bet here is Wildrose candidate Dean Miller, a proud "unpolished" politician who bears a passing resemblance to Penn Jillette (ie. he's chubby).

Edmonton-Ellerslie: Another clever politician name in this riding, lovely Jackie Lovely is your best pick for this riding.

Edmonton-Glenora: The best candidate for this riding is Don Koziak, the former mayoral candidate who worked with Envision Edmonton to try and stop Mayor Coward's stupid airport redevelopment plan.

Edmonton-Gold Bar: Again, your best bet is Wildrose candidate Justin James (just ignore that he looks like one of the Hobbits). And again, one of his opponents is a cowardly little shit from the Alberta Party. Memo to Edmonon-Gold Bar voters: ask "Dr." Stasia why she is such a fan of promoting fudge packing in your schools. Then watch her run away, because she can't answer the question.

Edmonton-Highlands-Norwood: Here's your chance to ditch Mason-the-Moron in favour of a real candidate: Wildroser Josh Loeppky.

Edmonton-Manning: Another chance to jettison one of the corruption-attracting PC MLAs, Wildrose candidate Atiq Rehman is your best bet here.

Edmonton-McClung: The obvious nod goes to Steve Thompson, Wildrose.

Edmonton-Meadowlark: The nod here has to go to PC candidate Katherine O'Neill, thanks to Wildrose going for an Edmonton cop (Amber Maze) in this riding. We don't need more corruption, thanks. (If she wins, she would rocket into first place in the hot MLA sweepstakes, though).

Edmonton-Mill Creek: Gene Zwozdesky is still alive? I'd totally forgotten about him. Anyways, you'd better stick with him rather than go with Saqib Raja, the Wildroser who freaked out about "Islamophobia" last month.

Edmonton-Mill Woods: Easy nod here to Wildrose candidate Baljit Sall, especially with Independent candidate Aura Leddy being totally pro-faggot.

Edmonton-Riverview: I can accept you going with independent candidate Glenn Miller, but the best bet is still Wildrose's Ian Crawford.

Edmonton-Rutherford: Even though it involves giving the nod to somebody involved in that dreadful Toastmasters organization, Wildrose candidate Josef Pisa gets the nod here. Hilarious to watch as Alberta Party stalwart Chris LaBossiere blew a small fortune to get a PC nomination so he could be in power, and even if he wins his seat, he loses his gambit.

Edmonton-South West: Another easy pick, Wildrose candidate Cole Kander

Edmonton-Strathcona: This is the best chance to send Rachel Notley to that cafeteria services job she apparently wants, and instead elect PC candidate Shelley Wegner.

Edmonton-Whitemud: The riding of parachuted sleazy former mayor Stephen Mandel, your best bet is independent candidate John Baloun, who was rejected by Wildrose for being too conservative

Fort McMurray-Conklin: An easy pick here, go with Wildrose leader Brian Jean. No matter what you think of him as leader, he's a solid candidate.

Fort McMurray-Wood Buffalo: While it's tempted to give the nod to Mike Allen, just to piss off all the feminists mad that he got himself a couple hookers, he did rack of government frequent flyer miles to do so. Insteead, stick with Wildrose's Tany Yao.

Fort Saskatchewan-Vegreville: An easy pick here with Wildrose's Joe Gosselin.

Grande Prairie-Smoky: Kurn's home riding, the easy pick here is Wildrose's Todd Loewan.

Grande Prairie-Wapiti: Another easy pick, Laila Goodridge, Wildrose. If successful, she'll be the second best looking MLA in the Legislature.

Highwood: Danielle Smith's old riding, your best bet here is Social Credit candidate Jeremy Fraser.

Innisfail-Sylvan Lake: Another "punish the floor crosser" riding, Kerry Towle should be out, and Wildrose candidate Don MacIntyre should be in.

Lac La Biche-St. Paul-Two Hills: Win one for the Saskipper? Shayne Saskiw, one of the best of the old Wildrose team, has called it quits. Bring in Dave Hanson to continue his legacy.

Lacombe-Ponoka: Another former Wildroser who crossed the floor and then found that his guaranteed nomination was a lie. Ron Orr for the Wildrose gets the easy nod here.

Leduc-Beaumont: Another easy call, select Sharon Smith, Wildrose. (This time, the Alberta Party got the Dutch guy with Bert Hoogewoonink).

Lesser Slave Lake: Another easy call, Wildroser Darryl Boisson gets the nod.

Lethbridge-East: No contest here at all, it's Kent Prestage with Wildrose for your choice.

Lethbridge-West: Wildrose candidate Ron Bain is the best of a weak lot here, but definitely several steps above pro-abortion murderer Shannon Phillips who quotes "Handjob" Jack Layton.

Little Bow: Your best bet here is to go with youth: in this case, that's Caleb van der Weide with Social Credit. Yes, that's another Dutch name. Is that normal?

Livingstone-Macleod: Pat Stier is a rare case, a Wildrose-sponsored coward who doesn't like engaging with the people around him. Evan Berger did a good job as the Agriculture Minister under Ed Stelmach, worth giving him another mandate.

Medicine Hat: This riding made headlines after NDP candidate Jason Soklofske withdrew from the race after being charged with assault while campaigning. That makes him the second most bizarre story in the riding after David Andrew "Robon Hood" Phillips. Ignore both whackjobs, and give the seat to radio DJ Val Olson for the Wildrose.

Olds-Didsbury-Three Hills: An easy choice here, with Wildrose's Nathan Cooper.

Peace River: Best to go with Nathan Steinke of Wildrose.

Red Deer-North: With Mary Jablonksi's retirement, time to bring in the guy with the cool name and the disappointing backstory, Buck Buchanan, Wildrose now but tried for the PC nomination. Make sure you collect his $100,000 just in case. Also, be sure to shun another Alberta Party coward, Krystal Kromm, who demands corporate tax hikes to pay for her lazy AISH freeloading friends.

Red Deer-South: Let's go off-course here a little and suggest independent candidate William Berry.

Rimbey-Rocky Mountain House-Sundre: Ah, loopy Joe Anglin's old riding. Loopy Joe is still running, of course, but he's no longer polluting the Wildrose gene pool like he was back in 2012. Your ideal candidate here is property-rights proponent Wildrose candidate Jason Nixon, the second Wildrose candidate on our list with connections to Calgary's The Mustard Seed. An odd aside, he already has a son who can vote.

Sherwood Park: It's the battle of the mayors, featuring both Cathy Oleson and Linda Osinchuk. Apparently it's not an election in Alberta unless they're going head-to-head. Neither of them are very good, but since Olesen won the provincial election last time we should give Osinchuk another chance to beat her.

Spruce Grove-St. Albert: The old Doug Horner riding, the best choice here is Wildrose's Jaye Walter.

St. Albert: This is an ABR riding: anybody-but Marie Renaud, the far-left extremist who cheered as faggots were given special rights in schools. Wildrose candidate Shelley Biermanski is a much better choice.

Stony Plain: Liberal pro-fag goofoff Mike Hanlon is running in this riding, which is just another good reason to go for Wildrose candidate Kathy Rondeau.

Strathcona-Sherwood Park: An easy pick here, Wildrose's Rob Johnson.

Strathmore-Brooks: Not even a contest: Wildrose candidate Derek Fildebrandt (formerly of the Canadian Taxpayers Federation) by a country mile.

Vermilion-Lloydminster: Another easy pick with Danny Hozack with the Wildrose Party.

West Yellowhead: Wildrose's Stuart Taylor is by far the best choice here.

Wetaskiwin-Camrose: Bill Rock, the Wildrose candidate is your best option here.

Whitecourt-Ste. Anne: You have a great candidate here with Wildrose candidate John Bos.

So there you have it. 87 ridings, 87 endorsements. I look forward to the morning of May 6th where we will find the Legislature packed with 73 Wildrose, 7 PC, 5 Social Credit, and 4 Independent candidates.