2016 Brier: Newfoundland vs. Alberta Gold Medal Game Liveblog

Live from the shitty city where Rat Bastard 2.0 lives, it's the 2016 Brier sponsored by the shitty Alberta-hating coffee company that no patriotic citizen should be frequenting.

Top skip Brad Gushue's Newfoundland (called "Newfoundland and Labrador" by clueless dolts) versus Alberta's Kevin Koe is the gold medal game coming up...right now.

(Note: all times are MT)

5:33pm: The teams are now coming out, starting with Team Newfoundland in red and white shirts with black pants. The girl carrying the Newfoundland flag looks to have been beaten by the ugly stick.

5:35pm: Now Alberta is coming out with white/blue/yellow shifts and also black pants (where's Norway when you need them?). An equally ugly girl carrying the Alberta flag. What's with that?

5:38pm: Earlier today in a close match saw Northern Ontario beat Manitoba in 11 ends. I would have watched more but I was interrupted by a Skype call from Vegas where two girls (one a stripper) were catfighting in the street. If that happens again, this liveblog will rapidly end. Sorry about that.

5:41pm: "Meet the Team" is on. I already forgot the Newfie's names. Kevin Koe curls from Glencoe rink in Calgary. Alberta will be playing the yellow stone tonight, and Newfoundland gets the first hammer.

5:42pm: Alberta's first stone is a decent guard in between the two traitorous coffee cups, while Newfoundland's first stone just slid into the top of the white.

5:44pm: The seconds are now up. Laing clears the Newfoundland rocks out of the house, but Brett Gallant puts his first stone back just outside the top of the red.

5:48pm: Beautiful play by Newfoundland's Nichols to clear the Alberta rocks out of the house and preserve his stone as a guard.

5:49pm: Koe's first rock didn't need much sweeping to draw into the top of the white. Still should be an easy takeout for Gushue, though it's unclear if that will be his strategy.

5:50pm: It wasn't a pure takout: Gushue repeated Nichols' trick, turning his guard into the takeout rock and leaving a deuce on the table.

5:51pm: Koe's second rock was an amazing draw almost to the button right behind Gushue's rock. Alberta might manage a steal here, or at least keeping the Newfies off the board.

5:52pm: Gushue tried the same trick three times and it just didn't work: while he moved Alberta's rock back he moved his guard out more: Alberta steals a point and it's 1-0.

5:57pm: Newfoundland of course holds the hammer in the second end, and TSN charmingly cuts to enough commercials and warmup promos that the leads have already played their rocks.

6:03pm Tonight's beer accompaniment is "Pothole Filler Stout" by Howe Sound Brewery in BC. Newfoundland is putting on a good show here: they've started filling the house after combining with Alberta to put a set of guards over the top right of the house.

6:04pm: Marc Kennedy went a little too far on his first rock, putting a stone behind the button and not helping Alberta much with the double steal. Newfoundland repeats Kennedy's shot to put a rock just closer than the Alberta stone.

6:09pm: Both thirds are named Mark/Marc. That's confusing when you're hearing the teams yell at each other while in the other room. Gushue does another really nice takeout that clears the two Alberta stones that were hanging around the button.

6:10pm: Koe draws almost straight into the button a second time, but Gushue is already thinking about trying to score two by bumping his guard in.

6:11pm: Alberta steals rock, and almost steals two. 2-0 Alberta.

6:13pm: The kids in this "Rocks and Rings" ad are sounding pretty convincing, though I'm not 100% sure it really gets kids as interested in curling as advertised.

6:17pm: The fastest rock of the game as Laing's shot fired the Newfoundland guard off the ice but at the price of his own shot.

6:20pm: Great shot there by Newfoundland's Gallant. But Alberta can still knock it back and be in position for another steal.

6:22pm: Kennedy's shot does 90% of what he intended, another bullet that unfortunately leaves the Alberta rock in the top of the blue as a guard for the Newfoundland stone in the white. Nichols followed up with a shot that leaves Alberta a chance to hold Newfoundland to a single. Probably best to try and get the hammer next round and try multiple points rather than keep stealing a single at a time.

6:27pm: Pretty much impossible for Alberta to get a point here in the third end. It's damage control: minimize the ability of Newfoundland to rack up more than a single.

6:28pm: Koe's last rock cleared all but a single Newfoundland rock out of the house, and Gushue predictably followed up with an easy draw to the empty (and easy to access) button. Alberta still leads with a score of 2-1.

6:35pm: Again we start well into the fourth end: Gallant clears the Alberta rock to put two Newfoundland stones in the white. It's almost a picture-perfect representation of how Alberta was positioned at this point in the third.

6:40pm: Nicols with a double-tap;double-takeout that clears the house and drives the crowd wild. Very pro-Newfie crowd. In other words, probably very anti-Alberta. Rachel Arab's "soft sell" is working great, isn't it? Get that worthless troll out of the legislature by any means necessary.

6:42pm: Nichols' second shot isn't nearly as nice as his first, clipping his own rock and leaving Alberta the only side with a stone in the house. Kennedy's second shot is way better than his first, putting a stone right on the line so Newfoundland will need two shots to clear the two rocks irregardless of what Koe does next.

6:47pm: Koe hits the deuce he was after. 4-1 Alberta lead.

6:49pm: That kid in "for the love of curling" ad is pretty effeminate.

7:03pm: Alberta clears the house of Newfoundland rocks on Koe's final shot. Still leading 4-2.

7:17pm: The sixth end is underway, and Newfoundland has finally figured out that if you drop a rock in front of the Alberta stones it forces Koe's rink to deal with it and sacrifice their own rocks, rather than just cleanly taking out yours.

7:19pm: What's the crowd chanting? Ricola?

7:25pm: Koe's first rock clears the back half of the house rather than getting fancy and cute, deciding to forgo a second point in order to prevent a steal from Newfoundland.

7:28pm: Koe's second shot is an absolute disaster, causing Newfoundland to score a steal. Alberta now only leads 4-3. That was very ugly.

7:37pm: Laing's last rock is a beautiful shot but not as important to the match as Gallant's last rock. The red is chock-full of stones and that doesn't bode well for Alberta which needs to score a deuce here while they have last rock and the lead.

7:39pm: Nichols with another impressive shot that clearly secures Newfoundland the shot rock and enough traffic up ahead to make it difficult for Alberta to even score a point this end, let alone multiple.

7:45pm: There's a complete mess in the house, and endless debate between both skips and their crews on what to do and how to do it. "Pray that the angles work out perfect" is a statement that has inexplicably only been said once.

7:46pm: The traffic jam in the house looks like a pool table after I break.

7:53pm: Alberta has finally decided what Koe's first rock should be.

7:57pm: Gushue's last rock was a monster, clearing half the Alberta stones and leaving open the possibility of a steal to tie the game!

7:58pm: Koe comes through! Three points to give Alberta a 7-3 lead after Newfoundland's rock is knocked out with only a single Alberta stone having to be knocked out as collateral damage.

8:02pm: No word of a lie, I was on the edge of my seat there. There were so many ways that could have ended, and the final result was pretty much the perfect result from Alberta. The men's curling trophy has been brought into the arena. Can we just call it the Clavet Cup?

8:09pm: The eighth is flying by in comparison to the seventh end: Nichols' last stone cleared Alberta out of the house leaving only the two Newfoundland rocks in the bottom half of the house.

8:13pm: Pretty empty house here as the skips throw their final rock of the eighth end. And with that, my Jamie-Oliver-inspired Sunday roast is ready and I'm going to have to slow down on my posting speed. Hopefully I'll be able to post a bit in the tenth. I really wasn't budgeting for the length of that seventh.

8:26pm: 7-5 Alberta lead in the ninth, Gushue has a chance here: his first rock is in the top blue with only one Alberta stone in the house (and an Alberta guard being the only other stone in play).

8:30pm: Koe is playing with fire, scoring a deuce in the 9th to take a 9-5 lead. Newfoundland concedes and Alberta is your 2016 Alberta Brier gold medal winner. Total match time is just under 3 hours.

8:43pm: The medals have been awarded: Alberta, Newfoundland, Northern Ontario are your gold/silver/bronze medal winners. Koe now gets a #1 national ranking. As for the game itself, Alberta really took the wind out of Newfoundland with those opening two steals, and then with the three-spot in the 7th (the really only dramatic end of the entire game) the match was pretty much decided. Newfoundland stayed competitive in the eighth with that deuce of their own, but Alberta had the hammer and a 7-5 lead making it very very difficult for Gushue to get anything going. His reputation of being a round-robin dynamo (2nd best record of the tournament behind Northern Ontario) but a playoff choke isn't going anywhere anytime soon. And with that, this liveblog comes to an end. Hope you enjoyed it and I hope for posterity's sake you can always see how Alberta won the 2016 [traitorous coffee shop name redacted] Brier.