Christmas in July, Boxing Day in June

Having finally learned how to email myself photos from my cell phone, I now present Boxing Day at South Edmonton Common:


Above are two photos of the lineup at Best Buy. This was at about 8am...it opened at 6am to apparently even larger crowds.

Finally, here's a photo of a prepaid music card at Wal-Mart. I took this picture because at first glance I thought it said "Gay it with music!"

Fantasy Roster Rundown -- Alberta Mariners, June 30th

As promised earlier, here's the start of updated roster moves on the team. The Yahoo Public teams I leave fairly constant, so there won't be many ch-ch-ch-changes... those that are changes are highlighted in red.

Batters:

• Catcher:
  Jason Varitek, Boston Red Sox
• First Base:
  Derek Lee, Chicago Cubs
  Justin Morneau, Minnesota Twins
• Second Base:
  Richie Weeks, Milwaukee Brewers
• Third Base:
  Rich Aurilia, Cincinatti Reds
  Garret Atkins, Colorado Rockies
• Shortshop:
  Rafael Furcal, Los Angeles Dodgers
• Outfield:
  Willy Taveras, Houston Astros
  Austin Kearns, Cincinatti Reds
  Jeff Francoeur, Atlanta Braves
  Jason Bay, Pittsburg Pirates
  Dmitri Young, Detroit Tigers
  Aaron Rowand, Philadelphia Phillies

Pitchers:

• Starters:
  Brett Myers, Philadelphia Phillies^†
  Jason Marquis, St. Louis Cardinals
  Felix Rodríguez, Seattle Mariners
  Bronson Arroyo, Cincinatti Reds
  Rich Harden, Oakland Athletics
• Relievers:
  Fransisco Rodríguez, Los Angeles Angels
  Scot Sheilds, Los Angeles Angels
  Oscar Villarreal, Atlanta Braves
  Eric Gagne, Los Angeles Dodgers

^† This position is obviously going to be filled with a new pitcher, in light of the fact that Myers has been removed from professional baseball as a result of a minor wife-assaulting incident. A waiver request for Jamie Moyer is pending until July 3rd(!!!)

You did what???????????

CloseMaleFriend: So what happened to you tonight?
FeynmanAndCoultersLoveChild: Well, that girl who I've been hanging around with turns out to be a stripper.
CloseMaleFriend: Holy crap. So what happened?
FeynmanAndCoultersLoveChild: Well, she told me that she was a "proud bisexual", that she thought I was hot, and that she would be willing to perform any kinky sex act known to mankind if I was so willing.
CloseMaleFriend: And on the eve of our big bachelor party, wow...
FeynmanAndCoultersLoveChild: Wait, there's more. She's more than willing to do all sorts of things with me and 1/2/3/15 other girls. In fact, she's friends with several strippers and will gladly bring them to me.
CloseMaleFriend: F*&#ing paradise man! F*&#ing paradise...
FeynmanAndCoultersLoveChild: So naturally I said no.
CloseMaleFriend: WHAT???
FeynmanAndCoultersLoveChild: I turned it down. A stripper actually approached me with the full desire to do all sorts of amazing sex acts with me that men pay money to have simulated in front of them, and I said "not interested"
CloseMaleFriend: You sure you're not gay.
FeynmanAndCoultersLoveChild: No, I just hate women. But there would have been a catch to it. There always is. Remember the Bundy Curse.

A philosophical and religious question about the union of man and woman

Namely, did God give the world Leonard Cohen so that we could get frigid chicks into bed?

Seriously, if you have some girl who's not putting out, just slip on a Leonard Cohen CD... box set if you have a stereo with a carousel.

Halfway through Famous Blue Raincoat she'll be giving you oral sex.

By the end of So long, Marianne she'll be giving her sister oral sex.

Recharge during the all-star break perhaps?

Since the hockey season ended, I've been watching between one and three baseball games a day. Yet I still haven't had the energy to get into any of my fantasy teams, not the 4 Yahoo ones nor the five MLB.com salary cap leagues nor the MLB.com Hit Streak League.

Today I thought I'd do a quick rundown of how the teams are doing. Here and here are the draft day rosters of each team...maybe later in the week I'll get around to posting the current rosters. An early May pool update was given here...needless to say, I've gone downhill a little from that week where I was 2nd place.

Alberta Mariners (neé GoOilers?), Yahoo Public Head-to-Head: 11th/12, 30 games back, 46-71-3 record, 4-6-0 last week, 2-8-0 curently this week. Dmitri Young and my non-Ontario pitching tandem of Eric Gagne and Rich Harden are both on the disabled list.
Edmonton Separatists, Yahoo Public Head-to-Head: 4th/12, 19 games back, 60-50-10 record, 3-7-0 last week, 4-4-2 currently this week. Only Dustin Hermanson is on the DL.
Only Belarus Can Stop Me (neé FucktheEtownPolice, neé Rocket Man, neé BetterThan(insert team member name here)?, neé BetterThan(insert other team member name here)), Yahoo Private Head-to-Head: 6th/6, 22 games back, 61-79-4 record, 6-6-0 last week, 5-6-1 currently this week. With Derek Lee back in the lineup, only Cliff Floyd and Keith Foulke are on the DL this week.
Royal Alberta Navy, Yahoo Public Rotisserie: 11th/12, 41.5 points, +1.5 points today, 11.5 points out of 10th place. Ironically my healthiest team, nobody is injured.

In the end, I ranked 20% in my English Premiership Salary Cap "Football" (Soccer) fantasy team. I have no idea if that's good or bad. Literally no idea. I also don't know what any of the positions in soccer mean or what 99% of the stats mean. So that wasn't too bad, I suppose.

"I'm not a doctor! I am only 5 years old!"

Edmonton: Gateway to the North....via Salt Lake City!

So how's this for the craziest bit of lunacy ever?

According to How Far Is It?, the distance from Anchorage, Alaska to Edmonton, Alberta is 2,227 kilometres.

So what happens when you use Expedia to try to fly down to E-town from the Alaskan capital?

You can take 6 hours and 49 minutes flying to Seattle and then into Edmonton.

Or you can take 10 or 11 hours and fly to Seattle and then Salt Lake City, or Anchorage to Salt Lake and then into Edmonton. This seams perhaps a little odd, partly because Edmonton is 1419km north of Salt Lake and Salt Lake is 3383km south of Anchorage.

So Anchorage-Salt Lake-Edmonton is 4802 kilometres to travel less than half that.

Meanwhile Anchorage-Seattle-Edmonton is 3181 kilometres travel distance, and Anchorage-Seattle-Salt Lake City-Edmonton is 4821 kilometres. And remember that you end up going horrifically south only to fly back north again!

Again, to call attention to the title of this thread, Edmonton prides itself as "Gateway to the North". Isn't it slightly realistic to think that say a person in Chicago wishing to go to to Alaska might just stop off in Edmonton along the way? (Of course, Edmonton to Chicago goes through Denver....)

That Bitch Whom Is Mrs. Pronger - the rumour mill edition

Okay, so today at work heard a juicy Pronger rumour.. and then the Battle of Alberta posts its own. Feel free to add your own:

• Chris Pronger and Ryan Smyth hate each other, and Pronger said either Smyth goes or he does. The Oilers told him that the face of the team for the last decade [and how well has that team he's been the face of done pre-Pronger anyways? -ed] wasn't going anywhere, so Pronger said it had to be him
• Chris Pronger has been having an affair with a hot young little number from Sherwood Park [quite the commute for poor Chris, who's been living in Terwilliger -ed] and his wife found out about it, and demanded a move away from her to reclaim her husband...preferably to a city where one of the 10-best NHLers isn't recognized by 90% of the populace the moment he steps off of the stoop, and where nobody knows what the hell a "puck bunny" is
• Same rumour as the one above, except that Sherwood Park girl is pregnant...and she's just from the Greater Edmonton Area, not SP specifically
• The "family problems" is all just cover, and Pronger was encouraged by top NHL brass to take the Edmonton deal and then demand to leave to a nice big television market, receiving some juicy under the table money to make sure that Edmonton was in no danger of possessing top NHL talent
• Update, July 1 2006 11:19am: Chris Pronger is not only having an affair, and not only got her pregnant, but the someone is Citytv's weathergirl/sportsbeat reporter Christie Chorley, who has been seen making out with Pronger in the past at Dantes. Both her and Citytv have adamently denied the rumours being true. In other words, she's gotten an abortion and there's no more proof. July 20 2006 update: A-Channel recently sent Ms. Chorley and all of their news staff packing
• Update, July 1 2006 11:19am: Same story and Pronger/Smyth above, only this is Pronger and coach Craig MacTavish who don't get along and one or the other had to go. If this is true, ironically in April fans would have overwhelmingly told the coach to take a hike.
• Update, July 20 2006 1:47pm: A new rumour, this one that Steve Staois had slept with Mrs. Pronger...in retaliation for Chris sleeping with the gorgeous blonde whom is Mrs. Staois.
• Update, December 7 2006 12:44pm: I see a post in the comments that claims Pronger slept with somebody from Breakfast Television (Bridget Ryan? Ick!)

Update, July 1 2006 11:19am: I talk a little more about the Pronger rumours in this more recent post.

Edmonton's search for an MLB Franchise

Trying desperately not to think of Chris Pronger, my buddy and I went to the Edmonton Cracker Cats game at Telus Field yesterday. We ended up talking about the loss of the Edmonton Trappers...and of course then onto Pronger again anyways.

Regardless, Telus Field is a beautiful ballpark...built back in the Trappers days [of course, "those days" ended just a mere two years ago -ed]. A remarkably deep field too: 420 feet to the back wall (and a real green monster of a wall out there), 340 to the left field wall, and 320 back behind first base. While there we started to ponder how it compared to other major league parks. Well, here we go:

Telus Field, Edmonton: 340L,420C,320R
Angel Stadium, Anaheim: 330L,400C,330R
Dell Diamond, Round Rock: 330L,400C,325R
Fenway Park, Boston: 304L, 420C, 302R
Rogers Centre, Toronto: 328L,400C,328R
Wrigley Field, Chicago: 355L, 400C, 353R
Busch Stadium (2006), St. Louis: 336L,400C,335R
Safeco Field, Seattle: 331L, 405C, 326R
Coors Field, Colorado: 347L,415C,350R
Yankee Stadium, Bronx: 318L,408C,314R
Dodger Stadium, Los Angeles: 330L,400C,330R
CanWest Global Park, Winnipeg: 325L,400C,325R
Olympic Stadium, Montreal: 325L,404C,325R
Ameriquest Field, Arlington: 332L,400C,337R
Petco Park, San Diego: 334L,396C,322R
Minute Maid Park, Houston: 315L,436C,326R
Turner Field, Atlanta: 328L,400C,328R
Jacobs Field, Cleveland: 325L,405C,325R
Knights Stadium, Charlotte: 325L,400C,325R
U.S. Cellular Field, Chicago: 330L,400C,335R
Citizen's Bank Park, Philadelphia: 329L,401C,330R
Tropicana Field, Tampa Bay: 315L,404C,322R

So in other words, only Minute Maid Park's monsterous 436 feet centrefield (some sources claim only 435) is longer than Telus Field's 420 (cough cough), and Coors Field matches Telus's dimensions fairly well (347/415/350-340/420/320) except for the right corner. But Minute Maid doesn't have the giant wall in the middle of centre field that Telus does, and Edmonton's elevation of 668 metres doesn't compare to Denver at 1,609. Telus Field doens't have a Park Factor published anywhere I could Google, but I suppose somebody with more time and energy than me could compute the Park Factor based on the Trappers win/loss record.

Bonus link: BallParkWatch needs to update their rundown of the beautiful old girl

"I want to do to you what Lauren Pronger did to the Edmonton Oilers"

First off, isn't this post title a great idea for a pickup line at the bar? I'll try 'er tonight.

The Pronger trade rumours just go to remind us all of one thing:

Never ever willfully associate with anybody who is from Ontario.
They are not to be trusted!

Lots to blog, but no time -- so I'll just celebrate Alberta

a dually diesel pullin hard with a horse trailer in tow
montana side of sweet grass and i'm headed home
trophy buckles and whiskey bottles and a worn out saddle horn
bareback riders and teamropers, huskin taber corn
the roads get better every time i cross north of forty nine
well i tip my hat and it's good to be back across the medicine line

hurtin albertan with nothing more to lose
too much oil money, not enough booze
east of the rockies and west of the rest
do my best to do my damnedest and that’s just about all I guess

them windy b.c. mountain passes finally flatten out
hairpin turns and pst got my heart up in my throat
it’s hairy haulin horses up across the great divide
and them wild chilcotin buckaroos, they sure know how to ride
the roads get better every time i cross that british columbia line
i tip my hat and it's good to back across the kickin horse line

well saskabush is pretty, yup she's pretty flat
and lord knows i'm a prairie boy so I’m pretty used to that
but farmers facin off with gophers, man it ain’t the same
as bein home at the saddledome for the oilers at the flames
the roads get better every time i cross that saskatchewan line
i tip my hat and it's good to be back on mountain standard time

Hurtin' Albertan by Corb Lund Band (featuring Tim Hus)

Women give mixed messages? Nonsense!

Over the weekend we tried finding a partner for a completely undatable person. Basically creating a "plentyoffish" account and desperately searching.

In the process, we came across some hilarious profiles. I tried and tried, and have found a few of the examples to share with you today:

There's this girl, who's 4th picture is her naked chest. Not interested in intimate encounters. "and as for the pic of my breasts it's art so if you think it's not please don't contact me!" Somehow I think a male equivalent of this would be laughed away by this very girl, but whoever said women are consistent?

This girl, who also doesn't want an intimate encounter, but whose profile is nothing but her ass and chest!

The funniest of all (both those I found today and not) was probably this girl. She is looking, says the top of her profile, for an "Activity Partner". Yet at the bottom, you see she has blocked any men who are looking for an Activity Partner! There is teasing, there is mixed messages, and then there is just ridiculous.

Ripping an anonymous Edmonton cop a new rectum:

Tonight I loudly proclaimed walking down anti-climatic Whyte Avenue that "its a shame, we used to live in a free country". "It's still a free country" some anonymous EPS shithead claimed, having just physically shoved me and told me to walk on the other side of a parked vehicle. "Yeah, a f#%%ing cop telling me where to walk, sure sounds like a free country" I shouted back.

What I should have said goes a little more like this (this is the monologue I wrote as I walked away, so its not like I came up with it hours later):

So you think I live in a free country do you? That's a nice gun you have there. Where can I buy one of those? What, you mean I can't buy one because the government doesn't let me? I thought I lived in a free country?

Of course, if this was a free country there wouldn't be a man with a gun bossing me around, confident that I cannot have a gun. For if this was a free country, I too would have a gun, and if somebody with as little intelligence and class as you've demonstrated tried to tell me that I had to walk in a certain way or else, I would proceed to shoot them. It is that exact reason, the ability to exercise political freedom at the hands of a government agent, that a much wiser and civilized society which once proudly called herself free allowed its citizens to do.

Now, of course, we are most certainly not in a free society, we are in a totalitarian one, where people like you have undeserved levels of control which you justify having based solely on your ability to carry it out. One day you might lose that ability, and I certainly hope you fully appreciate at that precise moment the benefits a free society would have granted you.

Oilers Playoffs 2006: 15 wins down, and no games left

Dammit.

In 2004, a Cinderella team from Alberta went all the way to Game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals against a team from the southeast U.S. named after a weather phenomenon, but only scored a single goal and came up short in their quest for the cup.

In 2006, a Cinderella team from Alberta went all the way to Game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals against a team from the southeast U.S. named after a weather phenomenon, but only scored a single goal and came up short in their quest for the cup.

The quests weren't exactly identical: the Oilers came back from a 3-1 series deficit to come within a Pisani hat trick of winning the Cup, while the Flames coughed up a 3-2 series lead.

But the end result is the same. The Stanley Cup is being awarded to the Carolina Hurricanes a I speak...er, type. This is even more painful than having Michelle Jean become Governor General. And I have nothing else to say on the topic of hockey, though the Edmonton Police will be the topic of a later post.

Bonus thought: Yet again, a Finnish netminder has led his team to a second place finish.

Bonus perverse insight: Somewhere in Raleigh hotel rooms tonight, some Oilers wives are going to get some seriously vicious anal sex marathons. If I feel this angry and frustrated, how would Smyth and Pronger feel? (Advantage to this, I know a girl who's had sex with Georges Laraque, and I don't like her, so I hope he reams her rectum beyond human belief in 48 hours or so.)

Maybe you were all on Gunter's blog?

I see that Edmonton's Lorne Gunter has resumed blog posting. His May archives can be found here.

His work so far in June is here.

The greatest Whyte Ave morning ever...

...came when I walked past Michael Phair and his faggy little hybrid car.

What was I wearing?

this t-shirt.

Classic!

Recovering from Jet Lag comedy tidbit

From this slashdot posting about sexism in Linux:

The only feelings I could express at the command line were male feelings after all. unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes,fsck,fsck,fsck,umount, sleep -- More proof Linux is sexist!

(from the same thread comes this comment: "The first programmer ever was a woman. How far we've come.")

Not meaning to respectfully disagree, but he technically was a guy.

Hey, I'm back, what did I miss -- no, you're kidding

Geesh, I always knew I wasn't exactly the most popular blog around, but not a single poster to my "open message" thread below? That hurts me, sorta.

Well, its good to be back.