It doesn't happen all that much, but I have a beef with something from Mark Steyn's award-winning America Alone:
I haven't really followed Sudanese current events closely since, oh, Gen. Kitchener's victory over the Mahdi at the Battle of Omdurman in 1898. But a recent story from that benighted land happened to catch my eye. Last month mass hysteria apparently swept the capital city, Khartoum, after reports that foreigners were shaking hands with Sudanese men and causing their penises to disappear. One victim, a fabric merchant, told his story to the London Arabic newspaper Al-Quds Al-Arabi. A man from West Africa came into the shop and "shook the store owner's hand powerfully until the owner felt his penis melt into his body."Now one has to admit that this is a pretty damning assault on the people who follow the Islamic faith: it ties nicely in with Steyn's thesis about their cherry picking of western advances: Boeing 747 passenger jets they accept, suitcase nukes they accept, the AK-47 they accept, but individual liberty and women drivers they cannot abide. While I am of course a fan of individual liberty, I don't know if the free will of man can be extended to the questionable will of the woman.
I know the feeling. The same thing happened to me after shaking hands with Sen. Clinton. Anyway, as Al-Quds reported, "The store owner became hysterical, and was taken to the hospital." The country's "Chief Criminal Attorney General" Yasser Ahmad Muhammad told the Sudanese daily Al-Rai Al-A'am that "the rumor broke out when one merchant went to another merchant to buy some Karkady [a Sudanese beverage]. Suddenly, the seller felt his penis shriveling."
The invaluable Middle East Media Research Institute, in its exhaustive coverage, noted that the penises of Khartoum were vulnerable not merely to handshaking. "Another victim, who refused to give his name, said that while he was at the market, a man approached him, gave him a comb, and asked him to comb his hair. When he did so, within seconds, he said, he felt a strange sensation and discovered that he had lost his penis."
Tales of the vanishing penises ran rampant round the city, spread by cell phones and text messages. Sudan's Attorney General Salah Abu Zayed declared that all complaints about the missing penises would be brought before a special investigative committee, though doctors had determined that the first plaintiff was "perfectly healthy." The health minister, Ahmad Bilal Othman, said that the epidemic was "scientifically groundless," and that it was "sorcery, magic, or an emotional problem."
...
But here's the telling detail: the vanishing-penis hysteria was spread by cell phones and text messaging. Think about that: you can own a cell phone, yet still believe that foreigners are able with a mere handshake to cause your penis to melt away. That's a state-of-the-art primitive.
You see, today I was reading America Alone while I waited for the evening coffee to brew, and something about this struck me. I've seen this before. I don't mean the vanishing penis thing, I mean the irrational beliefs of people who own cell phones and computers and can live in the modern world yet be so ignorant of it. I mean, look at this:
From: stephy_boubou@hotmail.comDoesn't this seem just as irrational and stupid as the penis-melters? The women I know send me at least 5 emails like this a month. (Note: about twenty-five additional header blocks were deleted by me: the bandwidth waste here must have been horrendous). And as for cell phones, four different women sent me 15 forwards in the past month, and here's a sample one:
To: cdrb86@hotmail.com; hotshot5959@hotmail.com; jessyka-420@hotmail.com; jo_6915@hotmail.com; julsmstar66@hotmail.com; mudslinger_86@hotmail.com; lovely_bubbles_87@hotmail.com; lynuce@hotmail.com; marie.elle@hotmail.com; mariomajorjr@hotmail.com; nicole.lachapelle@rbc.com; seguinpauline@hotmail.com
Subject: FW: PLLLLEEEAAASSSSEEE REEEAAADDD! IT WAS ON GOOD MORNINGAMERICA TODAY! ......and it nots fake its for real
Date: Fri, 7 Nov 2008 13:27:17 -0500
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From: coutu_stephanie@hotmail.com
To: dogboy911@hotmail.com; allycat15_03@hotmail.com; curious_bella@live.ca; disturbed_fan946@hotmail.com; cleopatra11_111@hotmail.com; bombardier_ford_boy_6@hotmail.com; bbrosko@hotmail.com; big_mumma_bear@hotmail.com; farlz52@hotmail.com; foxygirl_014@hotmail.com; element_101@hotmail.com; lichty_4@hotmail.com; angelfireknight@hotmail.com; racin13@lycos.com; jenniferemma1@hotmail.com; seguinjenny@hotmail.com; greener_greeny@hotmail.com; pokemeanddie61@hotmail.com; jonny.360_@hotmail.com; jordan_jb49@hotmail.com; mandyrocks_133@hotmail.com; matt197@hotmail.com; megfryer@hotmail.com; birdy_mele_14@hotmail.com; pjc_4617@hotmail.com; mouse_06@hotmail.com; marmat103@hotmail.com; nip_brazeau@hotmail.com; c_remi@hotmail.com; berd_15@hotmail.com; r.larue@shaw.ca; rjedynak@hotmail.com; mryaknow@msn.com; fuzzball8888@hotmail.com; shauna.2006@hotmail.com; stephy_boubou@hotmail.com; tamair@personainternet.com; boytoy69__@hotmail.com; andrew_todd_coutu@hotmail.com; travistremblay@hotmail.com
Subject: FW: PLLLLEEEAAASSSSEEE REEEAAADDD! IT WAS ON GOOD MORNINGAMERICA TODAY! ......and it nots fake its for real
Date: Sun, 2 Nov 2008 22:43:53 -0500
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From: big_mumma_bear@hotmail.com
To: curious_bella@live.ca; andrew_todd_coutu@hotmail.com; carolboreland270@hotmail.com; dd_cleo@hotmail.com; dixiew_714@hotmail.com; dstadnisky@hotmail.com; jenniferemma1@hotmail.com; kbell38@hotmail.com; r.larue@shaw.ca; r.larue@sshaw.ca; sexy_sarah49@hotmail.com; coutu_stephanie@hotmail.com; vmkunze@msn.com
Subject: FW: PLLLLEEEAAASSSSEEE REEEAAADDD! IT WAS ON GOOD MORNINGAMERICA TODAY! ......and it nots fake its for real
Date: Sun, 2 Nov 2008 13:57:13 -0500
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From: carolboreland270@hotmail.com
To: audjdan@hotmail.com; barbarandy@hotmail.com; brendascheuermann@hotmail.com; big_mumma_bear@hotmail.com; dalemoir@hotmail.com; picnic_44@msn.com; metisjack@hotmail.com; jagjlm@hotmail.com; judybear87@hotmail.com; judmoore@nbnet.nb.ca; reserve@kingslanding.nb.ca; mamacass_5@hotmail.com; mddonnelly@rogers.com; r_latulippe@hotmail.com; rob_mercer08@hotmail.com; dssiemens@sympatico.ca
Subject: FW: PLLLLEEEAAASSSSEEE REEEAAADDD! IT WAS ON GOOD MORNINGAMERICA TODAY! ......and it nots fake its for real
Date: Mon, 27 Oct 2008 19:11:34 -0400
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From: stevemercer3434@msn.com
To: bobbi-rocks@hotmail.com; b_day82@hotmail.com; carolboreland270@hotmail.com; d_mccolman@hotmail.com; dani_chillman@hotmail.com; devinthomasmercer@hotmail.com; katseye69@hotmail.com; kensword13@hotmail.com; l_bisaillon@hotmail.com; marcie_jones@hotmail.com; mikemarin95@msn.com; princessvicki1980@hotmail.com; radiola77@hotmail.com; icycle5@hotmail.com; stevenmercer44@hotmail.com; walkersold@hotmail.com; pocodiablo_25@hotmail.com; whassup_u_@hotmail.com
Subject: FW: PLLLLEEEAAASSSSEEE REEEAAADDD! IT WAS ON GOOD MORNINGAMERICA TODAY! ......and it nots fake its for real
Date: Mon, 27 Oct 2008 18:45:05 +0000
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From: blanchettem1@sympatico.ca
To: d_mccolman@hotmail.com; spade000000@yahoo.ca; mdunn001@sympatico.ca; grifin170@hotmail.com; stevemercer3434@msn.com
Subject: Fw: PLLLLEEEAAASSSSEEE REEEAAADDD! IT WAS ON GOOD MORNINGAMERICA TODAY! ......and it nots fake its for real
Date: Mon, 27 Oct 2008 11:17:27 -0700
Ok guys, my lawyer's paralegal sent this one to me and if it doesn't work, they are aware that we all will be coming to visit them for a law suit for false advertisement! J
THIS TOOK TWO PAGES OF THE TUESDAY USA TODAY - IT IS FOR REAL
To all of my friends, I do not usually forward messages,
But this is from my friend Pearlas Sandborn and she really is
an attorney.
If she says that this will work - It will work. After all,What have
you got to lose?
SORRY EVERYBODY.. JUST HAD TO TAKE THE CHANCE!!! I'm an
attorney, And I know the law. This thing is for real. Rest assured
AOL and Intel will follow through with their promises for
fear of facing a multimillion-dollar class action suit similar to the one
filed by PepsiCo against General Electric not too long a go.
Dear Friends: Please do not take this for a junk letter.
Bill Gates sharing his fortune. If you ignore this, You will repent
later .
Microsoft and AOL are now the largest Internet companies
and in an effort to make sure that Internet Explorer remains the
most widely used program, Microsoft and AOL are running an e-mail
beta test.
When you forward this e-mail to friends, Microsoft can and will
track it (If you are a Microsoft Windows user) For a two weeks
time period.
For every person that you forward this e-mail to, Microsoft will pay
you $245.00 For every person that you sent it to that forwards it on,
Microsoft will pay you $243.00 and for every third person that receives
it, You will be paid $241.00. Within two weeks, Microsoft will contact
you for your address and then send you a check.
Regards. Charles S Bailey Genera l Manager Field Oper ations
1-800-842-2332 Ext.. 1085 or 904-1085 or RNX 292-1085
Thought this was a scam myself, But two weeks af ter receiving this
e-mail and for warding it on. Microsoft contacted me for my address a nd
within days, I received a check for $24, 800.00 . You need to respond
before the beta testing is over. If anyone can afford this, Bill gates is the
man.
It's all marketing expense to him. Please forward this to as many
people as possible. You are bound to get at least $10, 000.00
We're not going to help them out with their e-mail beta test without
getting a little something for our time.. My brother's girlfriend got in
on this a few months ago. When I went to visit him for the Baylor/UT
game, she showed me her check. It was for the sum of $4, 324.44 and
was stamped 'Paid I n Full'.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE
The contents of this e-mail are confidential to the ordinary user of the e-mail address to which it was addressed and may also be
privileged. If you are not the addressee of this e-mail you may not copy, forward, disclose or otherwise use it or any part of it in any
form whatsoever. If you have received this e-mail in error please e-mail the sender by replying to this message.
Read this message do not delete it or ignore it. One day a girl was dreaming about the perfect guy and she received this mesage. She read it a few times and sent it to all her friends. The next day at the mall she saw her dream guy. He walked up to her and they became best friends and eventually went out and were married years later. A boy was texting his girlfriend when he received this message. He read it and laughed and deleted it, thinking his life couldn't get any better. Then two days later wen he was supposed to go out wit his girl she never showed up and as he was driving he heard on the radio his girlfriend had been in a car accident and died. He also lost his mother and best friend. He decided to find the message and he sent it. he found out his girlfriend and best friend were not dead. Just in a coma. His mom did not survive. If you care about the people around you, YOU Will send this to ten people before midnight and sumthing will make you very happ!Women are stupid enough to actually believe this garbage. I can't tell you how many of these text messages and emails and Yahoo/MSN instant messages I've replied to by explaining they are total fakes: how can you believe that if you sent an IM forward to everybody on your contact list your contact list will glow with special colours to tell you who has a crush on you. In almost every case, the increasingly-defensive woman claims that "well, I thought it was worth a try".
y.
Somebody send them to Sudan. Please.
