Barbie movie review

It sucks.

Okay, you already knew that. Well, how about a review of some interesting Barbie fans..

The most reported-upon client of Bell’s back in the ’90s was an early male-to-female transsexual who wanted to know “why her [sic] estrogen pills were pink.” Barbie’s answer? Because “that’s the color of the Divine Feminine.” Whoever knew Barbie had been reading her Goethe? The implication of Barb’s answer, of course, was that even if you were a biological male with a body like Atlas and a beard like Gandalf, all you had to do was pop on a pink dress or panties, and then you too could magically become a walking, talking, living-doll embodiment of this very same Divine Feminine too.

Barbie’s manufacturer Mattel disagreed, sending Bell a cease-and-desist letter arguing her psychic activities “may adversely affect the wholesome, positive, family-oriented image of Barbie.” So completely have corporate mores changed in the three decades since, woke Mattel may now be more likely to gratefully pay lunatics to undermine such a now-unwanted, old-fashioned thing.

It turns out, men who want to be women have really latched onto a little piece of plastic which resembles a woman but isn't actually one. Go fig.

His name is Barbie Kardashian, and he was until recently housed within the women’s wing of Ireland’s Limerick Prison. Banged up in March for threatening to stab, rape, torture, and then kill his own mother, under the terms of Ireland’s absurd Gender Recognition Act 2015, Bad Barbie was allowed to self-ID as female without any prior medical diagnosis.

However, Weird Barbie is in receipt of a clinical diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder, which, as this particular mental malady is really often just a synonym for “being trans” in the first place, will surely do just as well. Barbie once assaulted his female social worker so brutally he tore her actual eyelids with his long, sharp, doll talons; ordinarily I would be in favor of acts of extreme violence being perpetrated against social workers, but in this particular instance I’ll make a horrified exception.

You may be astounded to discover that “Barbie Kardashian” is not this individual’s real birth name, having been born plain old Gabriel Alejandro Gentile. As if to prove his maleness, once successfully in Limerick’s women’s wing, Barbie threw a wobbler after being asked to perform some housework, threatening to rape his female guards with his male penis after they told him to clean up following a shower. Burlier male screws then escorted him back to his cell, as they were the only ones strong enough to control him—because he is a man, albeit one wearing clownish, trowel-applied red lipstick eerily like that of Harley Quinn from the Suicide Squad franchise (also played by Margot Robbie, the very same actress now channeling Barbie at a cinema near you).

The Emerald Isle’s current Total Taoiseach is Leo Varadkar, who self-IDs as being an Irishman. A prominent homosexualist, Leo definitely knows what a man is, as he is currently bumming one on a regular basis. When confronted with the absurdity of Barbie’s case and asked whether he thought biological males should be locked up with biological females by a skeptical journalist, Leo replied, “No I don’t, quite frankly.” Why did you and your kind help engineer a situation in which just such an obscenity could obviously occur, then, you blind sanctimonious prick?