2009 Roar of the Rings

With women's tennis over until March, its women's curling where the hot action is. No, really.

Anyways, here's my ranking of the 2009 Roar of the Rings women's qualifying teams, important if you want to decide which events to try and attend.

Team Jones:
Jennifer Jones is the biggest name in women's curling in Canada. She has her own website for pete's sake!. As happens a fair bit, Jones herself is the hottest woman on her rink, followed by "fifth" Jennifer Clark. Jill Officer is good but not great, Dawn Askin has a little bit of a Drew Barrymore look to her, and Cathy Clapton is pretty meh.
Hottest Player: B+
Overall Team: C+

Team Kleibrink:
My pick to actually win an Olympic medal in 2010, Shannon Kleibrink is one of the most competitive curling teams, dropping deadweight players as if they were Billy Beane. Shannon herself has a pretty sweet MILF look to her. It does feature some mediocre hotness in Chelsey Bell (ie. every easy-pickup first year University girl ever) and Amy Nixon. Bronwen Webster, on the other hand, is pretty damned sweet.
Hottest Player: A-
Overall Team: C+

Team Bernard:
Another team with their own domain, Calgary's Cheryl Bernard is always a sight to behold. She has a serious Michelle Pfeiffer vibe going, and makes you want to bite your knucles whenever she leans in low for a slow draw. Unfortunately Cheryl leads a pretty ordinary looking team: Cori Bartel and Carolyn Darbyshire are not exactly burning up the house, and Susan O'Connor is decidedly below par.
Hottest Player: A
Overall Team: D

Team Lawton:
Saskabush's Stefanie Lawton has been doing well the last few years, and watching them makes you awestruck how much the girls all look so similar: if you learned they were all cousins (insert random Saskatchewan joke here) it wouldn't really throw you. Second Sherri Singler [say that four times fast! -ed] is damned gorgeous in the same way Jolene Blalock is not, and her skip isn't too far behind. Lana Vey certainly isn't being kicked out of bed. Marliese Kasner can't compare to the top two for sure, but not all that bad of a dropoff.
Hottest Player: A-
Overall Team: B-

Team Webster:
Another Calgarian team (none from Edmonton this time), Crystal Webster has BJ lips like you would not believe. Second Sam Preston is another pretty hot cougarish blonde, but Lori Olson-Jones and Stephanie Malekoff both suffer from oddly shaped faces. Weird, huh?
Hottest Player: B+
Overall Team: C

Team Scott:
No, the Scotties Tournament of Hearts is not named after Kelly Scott. Its easy to be confused, though. Though good curlers, its a pretty ordinary group. Kelly Scott is a tiny little thing, but certainly not where your eye tends to. The hottest player on the team now that they've lost Renee Simons is new cutie Jacquie Armstrong. Sasha Carter and Jeanna Schraeder are both tall glasses of water that make a man crave gin.
Hottest Player: B
Overall Team: D-

Team McCarville:
Seemingly coming out of nowhere, Northern Ontario's Krista McCarville is the new face at Roar of the Rings. Krista is certainly a cute little number running her team, and Tara George is a classical beauty that its a joy to see play. I'll skip over Lorraine Lang who seems to be on the team because she's the skip's great-grandmother and discuss one of the hottest players at the tournament: not only does Kari MacLean look absolutely drop-dead gorgeous but she also has an amazing ass... watching her sweep makes the heart swoon.
Hottest Player: A+
Overall Team: C+

Team Holland:
Amber Holland is looking a lot better than she once did, but she's not the reason to watch this team. Lead Heather Kalenchuk is a cute little thing, but make sure you're checking out the right Schneider if you want to ogle this team. Second Tammy is a far far far cry from Kim Schneider, wearing some nice black glasses in the Roar of the Rings opening day. She has the Sarah Palin look I so love that I worried I would have to go without Quebec's Team Laroche in the tournament.
Hottest Player: A+
Overall Team: B-

So there you have it. I might end up going to a game or two... stay tuned for possible live reports, updated with word on how they look in the dim light of a romantic dinner at an upscale restaurant...

Update, December 13th 10:57pm: We have a winner!


Feynman and Coulter's Love Child said...

Crystal Webster and Bronwen Webster, it turns out, are related through marriage.

Meanwhile Stefanie Lawton and Marliese Kasner from Saskatchewan actually are sisters. I'm good at this!

Anonymous said...

ahaha you are a sexually frustrated manchild FACLC

Feynman and Coulter's Love Child said...

This would be why approximately 150 visitors to this blog since this post have been looking for information on sexually appealing female curlers?