The Race to Replace a Monkey with a Mormon

With Mitt Romney officially secured over Ron Paul (sorry Ronulans) as the Republican nominee, the 2012 U.S. Presidential Race is now in full swing.

So let's kick it off with a song, shall we?

Peas in a (highly armoured) Pod

Mark Steyn on Robert Kagan's new book:

Kagan would counter that America won what he calls "the war that never happened," the one with the Soviet Union, but, given the way the others turned out, it is perhaps just as well it never happened. A great scholar of the American way of war, he's fascinated with every aspect except victory. "The United States remains unmatched. It is far and away the most powerful nation the world has ever known. . . . The superior expenditures underestimate America's actual superiority in military capability. American land and air forces are equipped with the most advanced weaponry, are the most experienced in actual combat, and would defeat any competitor in a head-to-head battle."

But put 'em up against illiterate goatherds with string and fertilizer, and you'll be tied down for a decade.

Loren Thompson, military analyst at the Lexington Institute on the U.S. Government's reducing the cost of military hardware:

However, as has been evident in Iraq and Afghanistan, U.S. enemies can blow up even the best armored vehicles with homemade bombs made from cheap fertilizer, Gen. Martin Dempsey, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, told an audience in an address at Harvard in April.

"The issue here is not whether it costs $10 million or $17 million," says Loren Thompson, a military analyst at the Lexington Institute and defense industry consultant. "When an enemy can destroy it for a couple hundred dollars, that's the worst cost-exchange ratio I've ever seen."

Thompson points out that the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan weren't fought against front-line foes.

"We need to understand that we have been fighting very under-resourced adversaries," Thompson says. "They nearly fought us to a standstill. What would a country with real capabilities do to us?"

Enjoy having these psychotic weirdos join your Union, Europe!

Now, farmers in southeast Turkey appear to have uncovered the latest Israeli plot against Turkey, one that turns tiny birds into flapping spies. As the Turkish daily HaberTurk first reported, a group of villagers near the city of Gaziantep discovered a small dead bird (from a breed known as the European Bee Eater) with a metal band around its leg that read "Israel." As if that wasn't suspicious enough, the bird had what seemed to be a very enlarged nostril, leading one local official to suggest that perhaps the bird had been implanted with some kind of microchip or spying device.

Razzano def Williams

Just our luck that Serena Williams, one of the most prominent blights on the face of Women's Tennis, ends up losing in the first round (a first for her) to Virginie Razzano at Roland Garros.

Why is it an unlikely break? Because Razzano has managed to become the one female tennis star in the world today who's actually uglier than Serena (don't worry, I won't include a photo).

Instead, admire Quebec tennis player Stephanie Dubois, who lost to not-Serena-ugly-but-still ugly Shahar Peer in the first round:

You're welcome.

Bring on President Palin

A Florida police shooting may be a sign of the zombie apocalypse.

Again, only one thing will save us all...

And you thought faggot marriages were stupid

Hey, didn't we just used to call this Spinster-hood?

Bonus The Onion style headline: "Area man consummates his self marriage up to 12 times per week".

Amy Who?

The EuroTrip Drinking Game

You just know somebody'd had to make it

Slightly related: Don't even think of having a Hunt for Red October drinking game and not using vodka.

Coming up on a very special episode of Glee:

The school choir does a tribute to Edwin Starr:

War, huh, yeah
What is it good for
Keeping our fathers employed
Say it again, y'all

Super Morphing Outer Space Fucking Robots

You should probably be sitting down for the last five minutes of this episode of Half In the Bag:

It's a great big universe landmass

Global Brief argues that Canada should be a country of 100 million people.

So, uh, what would they do? The article calls for a lot of them to be soldiers: presumably peacekeeping forces being pot-shotted at by tin-pot African dictators. But we've seen that they can't be involved in oilsands, or manufacturing, or financial services without incurring the wrath of the leftwing political elite.

What's left? 100,000,000 people watching CBC and waiting for treatment in hospitals?

Google understands even if you mistype fhwthjifj5uehtur

Yes that's right, if you type "Ednibtib Weather" into Google, it understands that you had your right hand one letter over for the entire word, and comes up with the correct answer: