ESKIMOS (and only Eskimos)

The Edmonton Eskimos are asking for suggestions for a new team name, having already decided based entirely on the outcry that one nigger died in Minnesota that they needed a new name change.

They don't, of course. This is your chance to tell them, often and with as many fake names and public IP addresses that you can muster, that you will never -- ever -- cheer for the team under any other name and that unless they return to the Edmonton Eskimos you'll never support them again. This isn't an idle threat either, as you may note. The great thing about being a CFL fan was there were no hipsters treating it ironically (which is beginning to be an NFL issue), the woke social justice crowd never was a fan (which has killed the NHL), and as a result the fandom was a pretty calm and safe place to be. I received nothing but high fives and free beers when I wore my MAGA hat to an Eskimos game in 2017, for example. In the wake of the name change hundreds of social media posts from reported season ticket holders renounced the team forever. To paraphrase Jack Nicholson, the "Edmonton Football Team" will discover that their "queer party friends" don't attend many games or go out to Boston Pizza Canadian Brewhouse in their green and gold.

This is going to be the Klondike Days debacle all over again. After a minor outcry that nobody in the real world took seriously they changed the name of our beloved Klondike Days to the anodyne and ridiculous "Capital Ex" which tanked so badly they again rebranded it as "TheEx" for a year only to ultimately (after insisting "Klondike Days" was never a permitted option) settle on calling it "K-Days" which was the unofficial name for it in the first place, which half the population just resumed the "Klondike Days" moniker. This team will be the "Edmonton Esks" in half a decade, assuming their loss of viewership doesn't kill the CFL outright.

If you really want to have fun with them, of course, seeing how they are so gung-ho to change a perfectly good name (that only brain-dead activists are stupid enough to believe in the first place), I strongly recommend giving them the following alternatives:
  1. The Edmonton Redskins
    For one thing, I hear this name is recently available, so unlike other suggestions like "Edmonton Eagles" or "Edmonton Roughriders" this name isn't already also being used by another team. Plus the Redskins have a long happy storied history, just like the Eskimos.
  2. The Edmonton Engines
    A friend suggested this one and I'm sorry I didn't think of it. Edmonton Engines. Now say it 5 times really fast. Edmonton Engines Edmonton Engines Edmonton Eingines Edmonton Injuns Edmonton Injuns oh wait I get it. A few "lets go injuns!" chants will get the woke SJWs a little upset, sure. But when the visiting Saskatchewan fans, all fuming over how poor Gerald Stanley was treated for deservedly putting lead in Coulton Boushie, can get a little of their own stress relief by replying to that chant with "Injuns suck!" and "Fuck Injuns!" don't be surprised if their empty SJW brains just explode. Hours of fun for all...
  3. The Edmonton Whites Because Whites are Superior
    This one probably goes without saying, no? Apparently calling sports teams full of dedicated professionals at the top of their physical skill putting in superhuman levels of effort for economic impact names like Eskimo or Redskin or Chiefs of Indians or Blackhawks is somehow demeaning to the sad members of the child-race who become tax sponges. I'm not sure how exactly that works. If I were a member of the Cleveland Indians I'd want a name change: no I'm not at all connected to the people who sniff gas from paper bags and can't figure out how to dig a well for myself. As I noted during the 2015 Grey Cup, I'm not sure why Mike Reilly being compared to guys who embezzle tax money and kill toddlers in a fire is offensive to anybody other than Mike Reilly. Yet here we are. So be it: let the team be named after a group of white people, who will appreciate it like the honour it truly is. The Montreal Canadiens or New York Yankees or Dallas Cowboys or New England Patriots are implicitly named after white people, while the Notre Dame Fighting Irish is explicitly so. The whites don't think it a problem: after all, the Denver Broncos are so named because the eponymous horse is a symbol of power and grace and virulity. The Blue Bombers (also named implicitly after whites) were national heros who inspired all with their courage and skill in defeating the Axis powers in WWII, and it's an honour to be named after them. Teams like the Bruins and Cubs are named after the predator who has for years impressed people with his prowess and makes up six of the ten largest land predators (including top two spots). So naming a team after whites imply that being a white person is awesome: as my proposed name explicitly states it's because white people are better than everybody else...if it wasn't true, why name a sports team after them. If this name catches on, don't be surprised that the actual Eskimos or Inuit or whatever throat gurgling sound they've decided is their name start demanding their names be put into a similar place on honour.