#yegslutwalk participants, as sluts, agree to any and all sexual activity. They don't say no: if they do, they don't mean it, they're just teasing

On Saturday, June 4 2011 the sluts shall go a-marching. Sorry, "sluts". These aren't actual sluts, alas. These are, to borrow from the classic joke, bitches. But for now, let's pretend they are sluts. They're dumb sluts, we've already covered this. But the stupidity of their cause isn't relegated to just not knowing where to put their feet. It's not knowing what not to put their feet (and other various body parts) into.

First let's get to the basics: if you do dress slutty, men are going to stare at you. We're going to catcall. We are going to tell you all sorts of sexual things we want to do to your body. And if you dress slutty and wave your ass in our face, we will do them. The organizers of this event are not oblivious to this point: what they want is a fake sexual revolution. They want to be able to impersonate sluts without actually being sluts, and that's unacceptable. If you don't want to be treated as a piece of meat, don't marinate and grill yourself and sit perched on a piece of garlic toast. You dress slutty, you show off the goods, you try to get a reaction, you will get one. Hint: it's not always going to be the one you want. If this is new or shocking to the sluts, then I suggest they go visit another universe because they are simply not going to be happy with the one they currently live in. [re-read the "Dumb Sluts on the Highway" post if you're a slut wanting an easy way to free yourself of this universe on June 4th and go visit another... -ed].

The slut marchers are so loud, so dominant, that we forget that we're talking here about a tiny loopy minority (the Edmonton fag parade comes with much the same caveat). Women are kowtowed by their uber-feminist sisters on this one: I've had a couple emails from readers who loved the "Dumb Sluts on the Highway" but were scared to even anonymously comment on it. Last weekend out on the town I overheard a group of 5 women all trashing Slut Walk for its insane silliness. "I can't complain about sexual harassment when I'm dressing like a girl who gets off on being sexually harassed". What next harsh reality are these girls planning to protest? If you walk into the Hell's Angels club on the Yellowhead wearing a rival club jacket, you're gonna get murdered. Do we 'blame the victim' for this crime? Uh, yeah. If you do something stupid, bad things happen to you. As I wrote last week:

if they don't want to pay the city they can have their little meeting at the Legislature grounds and then walk to City Hall: crossing on marked crosswalks when the light indicates its safe to do so. If the city is really worried about them stepping onto the road that's easy enough to fix: declare a full clemency to any driver who hits and/or kills one of these sluts if she happens to step off the sidewalk and onto the street. It's the slut's fault for defying the rules and social conventions, not yours. So in other words, pretty much the same harsh reality that the sluts are marching to try and defy in the whole "dress like a streetwalker" meme.
In both cases, the easiest and most cost effective solution is just to declare "if you dress like a slut you might just get raped, and if you can't keep your protest on the sidewalks understand that any man mad at his ex-wife has de facto authority to kill you with his car". We've already had all of this sorted out, we don't need slut marches and demands that judges ignore reality messing it all up.

Now let's turn to the sluts vs. "sluts" problem alluded to earlier. If you impersonate a police officer, or a massage therapist, or a doctor, or even an auto mechanic you'll be fined at best and more than likely spend some time in the slammer. Now when you impersonate a slut we don't fine you, and we don't throw you in jail. There's really only one punishment for dressing like a streetwalker when you aren't one: you do have to endure the occasional rape. You should really suffer it in silence. Accept the character flaw within you that caused this, and move on. Police and court resources are already busy enough with real criminals: like actual rapists who do nasty things to their niece or the homeless native chick passed out under the bridge, or a conservatively dressed urban professional walking to her car, or a girl out jogging in a track suit. To equate the act of actually violating and raping one of these people with having sex with a girl who's every square millimetre of public persona screams anybody who wants to can screw me right now is ridiculous. It reduces women to helpless automatons [the proper spelling is "reduces", not "highlights". I fixed the spelling and grammatical errors for you -ed], who are just out on Whyte Avenue in a blue Lycra mini and 3" red heels wearing more makeup than the average Sears store stocks when from out of the blue for a completely alien and unknown reason some man stuck his hand down her boob. It's utterly ridiculous. Society has established rules like this for thousands of years: there's a cultural undertone that is the equivalent of the fake sign on the photo at the top of this post. If you go out on the street in an outfit that would make Britney Spears feel uncomfortable, you do so knowing that your ultimate aim is to make men want you. Well, they want you now. Congrats. Oh, wait, you mean you didn't understand what that implied? That in the great Bell curve of sexual congress you've just pushed everybody on the right-hand side of the -2 std devs line past that imaginary barrier that says "there is no power in the universe powerful enough to stop me from sliding my finger inside your panties"? I call bullshit. You do know. But you want to be a virginal slut, to dress in ways that makes men helpless to their urges but still leaves you fully in restrictive control. If you give Mahmoud Ahmadinejad a machine gun and slowly parade Jewish dykes past him for an hour and a half, don't be surprised if the magazine ends the experiment a little on the empty side.

But, as the post title implies, the Edmonton Slutwalk girls have gone a step further. They are explicitly passing themselves off as sluts. This is fortunate, as it means that now we can start bringing the legal and moral force of society to bear upon them. To re-iterate:
Every woman marching in the Edmonton Slut Walk is publicly declaring herself a slut. This means every woman there desires sex with any and all partners. Any sexual activity you initiate with them comes with implied consent. They cannot say no, and if they do understand all their 'no's mean yes. They are all asking for it. They want it bad. Now. From you. Go get 'em!

Now if you disagree, if you think that's not what this is about at all, then two things come to mind:
  1. If a bunch of women stand on the street claiming that they are shoe shiners, and they refuse to shine your shoes, you not only have a false advertising charge you can lay on them, but also discriminatory business practices. Women claiming to be nymphomaniacs who can't get enough may just find themselves having to explain why they are so prudish.
  2. By their own admission, they are lying bitches. The worst kind of woman. All marching on the street. Together.

If your wife is one of them, I'm very very sorry. Maybe a good rape might make her a little more manageable around the house.