2012-04-24

The Vancouver Canucks second round starts when the previous foursome finishes their putts


In an event almost as exciting as the first day of Christmas, Yahoo PuckDaddy has posted this season's Vancouver Canucks post-playoff eulogy.

Highlight of this year's:

Poor Roberto Luongo, who lost two games in this series and will almost certainly be shipped out of town this summer, but hooray for Cory Schneider, who lost two games in this series and will be sticking around. One day, he may even play so well that he gets to sign a big, long extension and enjoying life as the undisputed No. 1 guy until Eddie Lack comes along to show him up and everyone from the team to the media masses on his front lawn with pitchforks and torches, as is the rite for every Vancouver goaltender.
Highlights of last year's (which was far better):
Oh how they told us it would be different this year.  What was it you said after the Hawks were defeated? "They've slayed the dragon?" Well, it doesn't really help if you slay the dragon but the town is still destroyed. It helps less if you destroy the town yourself.
Hey, you there, lighting the car on fire. We know how you in B.C. like to medicate yourselves in times of stress, but you can't hotbox an entire province. Save that for your car or bathroom. Oh? What? Oh is that Canucks fans acting without any class? Sorry, I should have guessed. Anyway, let's move on.

Fear not Nucks fans, this can be a time of learning. You….what? I'm sorry, what did you say? "Learning"? It means to acquire knowledge for future use. You're not familiar with that? Well, stick with us here, you might be. I know, it's going to be rough, but I promise you'll get through it. And put that Molotov cocktail down, you still look like a wanker.
In the first draft of this, I surmised that you should be happy you lost. Because winning would have given you an identity, and that's not what you are. You're Western Canada's faceless team. No history, no tradition, you're basically the Pacific Time Zone Senators.

Your other neighbors there in the West have Cups and Hall of Famers and classic uniforms. You? You have a statue of a guy bitching about the refs immortalized. Oh, and Trevor Linden got a gate named after him. All your so-called rituals are stolen. Your Green Men? Taken from "It's Always Sunny." Your towels? Preceded in Pittsburgh by a decade. Your PA announcer's "Woo!" after goal announcements? Taken from your most recent conquerors. Your colors? Whaler-colors. Your original logo is the most perfect, non-descript in every way, giving no indication as to what you are or what you do.

And based on the damage around the city, apparently you've decided to adapt the Montreal method for dealing with loss. You couldn't even be original in your pathetic-ness. Maybe the problem is hitting the ice to U2. Are all your fans single women over 30? Apt that it's "Where The Streets Have No Name." They don't now, you burned all the signs.

But in the clear of the morning, I and all of us have come to realize that these playoffs did give you an identity. You are clearly marked out as a classless organization and fanbase, and a gutless team. That will go down in history.

Think about what you've accomplished. You couldn't rally the country of Canada around you in the least, and they'd get behind 13 hobos and a sloth if they thought it might bring back the Cup across the border for the first time since 1993.