George S. Patton would have made a lousy soccer coach

As the FIFA World Cup moves towards it two final games that will determine the best footballers in the world, I came across what I can only declare a brilliant insight, which I shall now share:

I call it Feynman and Coulter's Love Child's FIFA World Cup Prediction System. It goes something like this:

The less the success a country acheived in World War II, the greater the success at the world cup.

Below you will find a graphical arrangement, and then a few teams to explain the system:

Germany: Germany lost World War II. It held on for a good long while, but eventually lost the battle. Germany will play Portugal for the consolation prize.
England: Britain won World War II, but at a terrible cost both in lives and property and hardship for her people. Accordingly, England never made it into Group 4, being eliminated from Group 16.
Switzerland: Switzerland was never invaded during World War II, and suffered no real hardship in the conflict. Naturally, they never made it past Group 16.
Ukraine: Ukraine was invaded twice, by both the Nazis and then counter-invaded by the Soviets. Although Ukraine lost 10 million people in the war, it really wasn't much worse than the Stalin era of peace that proceeded it. Ukraine never passed Group 8.
United States of America: The U.S. was by far and away one of the biggest winners of Double-Ya-Double-Ya-Two. They ended the conflict as one of the two great Superpowers. The United States never even made it to Group 16.
Czechoslovakia: (I don't care that its the Czech Republic now) Czechoslovakia was one of the first nations invaded by the Nazis, but they sparked the very existence of WWII. While they didn't fare too well in the war, they were sort of like Ukraine: WWII was a cakewalk compared to the Soviet gulag they faced afterwards. The Czech Republic never made it to Group 16.
Tunisia: Though Tunisia was a participant in World War II, the nation itself got off fairly well. Most notable for being one of the primary theatres of the North African campaign, a lot of Germans and Italians died or were captured in Tunisia, but not a lot of the natives really got harmed. Tunisia never made it to Group 16.
Italy: Everybody's favourite WWII whipping boy is Italy. (There is another popular choice, but lets remember that its a more general case). Italy was an Axis power, the fascists under Mousellini great supporters of the Nazi cause. So Italy proceeded to get its asses handed to them by the Allied Forces. They lost on the beaches of Greece. They were defeated on the deserts of Africa. They got their butts kicked on their own soverign soil. They conquered Albania....Albania, for Pete's sake...for about 3 days, before losing her to the Greeks. Then finally in 1943 they abandoned the Germans, and proceeded to get their asses handed to them by Hitler for a couple years before the Germans lost. Italy's lousy soldiers was part of one of the great SCTV gags (the surrendering batallions), and therefore was one of WWII's biggest losers..they lost in the end and the entire time leading up to it. Naturally, Italy is now playing in the championship game for the FIFA World Cup.
Canada and Russia: Neither Canada nor Russia are even playing for the bloody World Cup. Needless to say, both fared well during the war. Canada demonstrated her newly won full independence from Britain and ended the war with the 4th largest navy on the planet. Russia lost a lot of troops but certainly gained a lot of land, expanding the Soviet Empire to previously unknown heights.
France: Now here is the favourite whipping boy in any armed conflict. Forgetting all you know about French military victories, just look at World War II on its own. France is quickly conquered by the Nazis, the fames Maginot line just another piece of scenery for the Krauts to photograph on their leisurely tour of the countryside. The De Gaulle Regime flees to Africa (via London), and the Vichy's not only proclaim their sudden and complete capitulance to the Nazi ideals, they famously plant trees (unbidden) along their famed boulevards so that the Germans could have the pleasure of marching down the occupied streets in the shade. This sort of complete brownnosing surrender style is what endears hundreds of millions around the world to the French sticking their noses up in the air over this or that military conflict. The end result? France is playing in the championship game.

So what can we learn from all this? France will win the World Cup this year. Because they got their asses beat even more than the Italians!

Disclaimer: One may observe that Japan, which got nuclear-freaking-weapons dropped on their ass, also failed to make Group 16. I suppose the best lesson out of this is that the Feynman and Coulter's Love Child FIFA World Cup Prediction System only applies to the European Theatre, not the Pacific one.

(A discussion on the French is covered here, with several hilarious anecdotes and results)


Dale said...

I'm thinking Italy should be in the "lost twice" column, too. After being beaten by the allies, surrendering, and switching sides, the Germans occupied the northern part of the country, disarmed the government, and instituted the Italian Social Republic under Mussolini. The Italian Social Republic was then beaten. Again.

Actually, if you count the German reaction to Italy's initial surrender as a defeat for the new pro-ally Italian government, and it's replacement by the ISR, Italy lost three times. Twice to the allies and once to the Germans.

That has to be some sort of record for a single war.

Feynman and Coulter's Love Child said...

So what you're saying is that you would judge Italy to be the bigger loser of DoubleYa-DoubleYa-Two, and therefore the worthy heir of the 2006 World Cup title? Wow, even when I'm wrong I'm right.