Who will replace President Monkey?

Today is the big day. President Monkey will be replaced...but by whom?

Starting at 5am Eastern Standard Time (10am Greenwich Mean Time) in Vermont, and ending at 8pm in Hawaii-Aleutian Standard Time (6am Greenwich Mean Time the following day), Americans in all 50 states are eligible to cast their ballots for several offices, including the United States President.

Of course, President Monkey willfully allows non-citizens to vote, which is one of the reasons Donald Trump is even a candidate today. He, at least briefly, insisted that American citizens should have authority on who sets foot on American soil and votes in American elections. For that, he garnered support from a lot of conservatives.

But he's not really that conservative, is he? After all, #NeverTrump was a rallying cry of the conservative establishment.

But then can you say his chief rival for high office is particularly left-wing either? Mark Steyn noted that there's all sorts of principled far-left opposition to the Hillbeast that doesn't make the press for some unfathomable reason From TPP to the blatent 1%-erism of the Clinton Foundation to even her late arrival to support disgusting sexual practices, Clinton isn't what progressives were expecting when they wanted a President Monkey followup.

Yes, yes, I know the actual reason.

Fortunately, even though US politics is dominated by a two-party system, there are alternative parties available for voters. Jill Stein is a Green party leader straight out of the crazy Elizabeth May mold, from the association with holocaust deniers to thinking Wi-Fi is dangerous. You might be wondering what's particularly "green" about either policy: Wi-Fi proliferation has enabled the digital economy which presumably will contribute to keeping people from moving around and burning carbon, while you don't even want to think about air pollution caused by burning Jews in ovens. But on the big environmental issues she's quick to denounce the environment when attacking corporations sounds like a bigger vote getter. Genetically modified foods are an environmental boon, allowing higher crop yields on less soil and requiring less chemical inputs...but "evil rich corporations" like Monsanto are making "profit" off of them...and therefore that must be evil. And so Jill Stein, "environmentalist", is entirely against them.

Finally, we have libertarian Gary Johnson. Gary Johnson on guns:

I don't believe there should be any restrictions when it comes to firearms. None.
Gary Johnson on education:
All I suggest is to make K-12 like higher education. Higher education in the United States is the best in the world because these institutions compete with each other for your tuition dollar. Let's just bring competition to public education.
Gary Johnson on healthcare:
I reject the insurance model. I think we should have a free-market approach to healthcare.
Gary Johnson on the ballooning US federal debt:
Balance the federal budget now, not 15 years from now, not 20 years from now, but now. And throw out the entire federal tax system, replace it with a fair tax, a consumption tax, that by all measurements is just that. It's fair.
Gary Johnson on religious liberty...governments should force Christian bakers to promote sodomy, and Jewish bakers to promote their own extermination.

So that's the choice, America. At least half the candidates are even worse than President Monkey. Go tell me 8 years ago I'd be typing that sentence!