Queen Victoria Day 2008

It's Victoria Day. Or, as they call it in Quebec, Fête de la Reine Journée nationale des Patriotes. What the hell?

The holiday now officially commemorates the memory of patriots who struggled for democratic institutions during the Lower Canada Rebellion, part of the Rebellions of 1837-1838.
These Rebellions were against...surprise surprise, the British.

From my own experiences in Quebec and dealing with transplated Quebecers, there's not a thing on this earth save perhaps Eve and the Apple which cannot be directly traced back to "the hated English". And there's not a normal Anglais thing that the goddamned useless French can't allow to exist without their own sick subversions.

So, I have a plan. As you may know, June 24th is Saint-Jean Baptiste Day where St. John, the patron saint of Quebec, is honoured. It is Quebec's biggest holiday, and the "pride" of their culture.

We should totally subvert it.

I propose that June 24th become a statuatory holiday in the Province of Alberta, and that we name it General Wolfe Appreciation Day. It's a tough fit since Wolfe was born in January and died in September, but its still a good day to celebrate his beautiful Conquest of 1759.Alternately we can use it to celebrate the June 24, 1340 Battle of Sluys, where King Edward III slaughtered 20,000 French troops and sunk most of the French fleet. Calling it "King Edwards Day" might work halfway well, but I still think naming it specifically after General Wolfe, Hero of the Plains of Abraham has a certain je ne sais quoi.

The point being that I want parades. I want floats with actors portraying Wolfe standing tall with a saber in his hand with his foot Captain-Morgan style placed upon the head of Montcalm which sits at the bottom of a guillotine (historical accuracy is not required in the parade). I want a major spending of some of this oil money for the express purpose of making Quebecers in Alberta feel small and miserable for not being of the glorious English-speaking population. I want a celebration of Quebec's defeat, and I want it to poison every Quebecer's memory of their most glorious holiday.