Hey kids, its mega-sized news roundup time again - part one of...more than one

So this first round is a couple weeks old... I forgot to email it to myself when I first wrote it up:

The Liberals are suffering some internal dissention over Stephane Dion's decision to abstain from the GST vote. If you read the article for free the day it came out (I'm not sure why they make you purchase archives, and read the news for free while its timely) you'd read that some Liberals wanted to vote against the GST cut, others wanted to vote in favour of it, and what's this about promising to raise it?

It could be the most devastating battle since Optimus Prime vs. Megatron (er, Optimus Prime vs. Megatron in 1986, not Optimus Prme vs. Megatron in 2007, which wasn't nearly as good. Google is planning to take on Facebook.

Any wonder why so many of us old Reformers still love the guy? Preston Manning takes on the ill-conceived royalty changes brought about by Ed Stelmach. I know of a few old Newfies who really missed Preston too, actually. Hey, here's a question for readers: what's Preston's son's name: the one who was in a rock band? It isn't the "Jason Manning" who's now on Sonic 102.9, is it?

Speaking of royalties, remember how the royalty scheme wasn't going to chase out oil companies, it was just a threat and a bluff from greedy resource companies? There's only one way to describe this news article: like this.

Ed vs. Ralph, as dictated by The Economist. For such a named magazine, they don't know much about economics, do they?

2007 has been a weird year. The "Conservatives" have attacked the oil industry, and the people have largely been supportive. Meanwhile, a Commie bookstore has de facto started accepting American currency.

Is the Scud Stud a Stelmach Stooge? Read on.

Does anybody know any good Tinky Winky poetry jokes?

That damned Brazilian was asking for it, an inquiry was told by the bobbies. Edmonton Police officers (who are 100% corrupt) are nodding in agreement.

The Captain of the Enola Gay died a couple weeks ago. I commemorate the event with a joke.

Well, as long as the (Quebec) separatists aren't being unreasonable...

On the other hand, at least Quebecers get the hot tennis stars. We have the big booming economy, can't we get tennis courts with stands built out in Terwilliger or something?

So earlier this month there were killer floods in Mexico. Couldn't they have piped some of that stuff up for the San Diego wildfires?

The Liberals have demanded a probe into the government payout to Brian Mulroney, calling it a "mistake". The payout was in 1997. Who was in government at the time? Why must the Conservatives clean up the Liberals' mistake? And what is there to inquire? The Liberals paid Mulroney a settlement. Look at that word: it means to "settle". To wit, once you pay it you can't take it back, even if the person was lying at the time. If you thought they were lying, take them to court!

Remember the Google/Facebook entry halfway up this post? Well, Facebook responded the next day by whining like a little bitch. Meanwhile, the question is asked if Facecrack can pull off the programming required to milk its subscribers for moneyt. Er, wait, when did users agree to that? Oh yeah, every time they signed up. Finally, Facebook profiles are being used in job interviews. Bet you're proud of that 'pornstar name' widget now!

I guess we have to designate logging companies as national benefactors: the forests of Manitoba have become carbon producers, and cutting them all down for Ikea furniture is now for the good of the planet. [I'm sure we'll start hearing confirmation of this from the Sierra Club any minute now. -ed]

The high Canadian dollar has now meant that Canada Post is swamped. If you bought something online for Christmas, best to leave an I.O.U. in a big box.

Is this bad or good news? Regardless, the Burmese situation is heating up, and as soon as the "U.S. troops out of Iraq" march is over, a "U.S. troops into Myanmar" march will pick right up.

A detective vowed to find four-year-old Madeleine, who he believes to be in Morocco. Blonde girl in Morocco? Shouldn't be hard... Seriously, he claims 5 months, so let's see if he's a half-decent Sherlock Holmes. Or a three-quarters-decent Dirk Gently.

As has now been quite commonly mentioned, Stockwell Day is in hot water over his plan to stop seeking clemency for death row inmates who hold Canadian passports, unless the person is to be sentenced to death in North Korea or something. I really don't understand all the fuss: technically Canada has no right to intervene at all.

Just a small civil suit, hardly newsworthy: Canadian firm Wi-LAN Inc. is suing 22 companies, including Apple, Dell, HP, Intel, Toshiba, and Texas Instruments. Well, as long as they aren't being carried away...

Linux vs. Microsoft, the most devastating battle since...wait, I already used that one. Well, there's some sniping...

The FCC is investigating Comcast for blocking P2P programs. Could Shaw be next?

China is not developing its lunar exploration program for military use. Recall also that China did not shoot all those people in Tibet either. China even says so, how can you not believe them?

Take that, PS3! A cheap HD-DVD player is on the way.

The University of Calgary Gauntlet, the 2nd most poorly run student newspaper in the province (ohhh, you don't need me to tell you who's first), got to sort of interview Jerry Seinfeld about his new shitty movie.

Lyn Cockburn at the SUN has decided she like Saku Koivu. My favourite bit in this Koivu saga is this:

Moreover, said Bertrand on Tuesday, Koivu had the audacity to marry a francophone and still doesn't communicate in Quebec's official language.
Koivu's wife, Hanna, is from Finland. She had to learn French, dumbass.

Also from the SUN, dozens of cats had to be put down. No comment, no joke.

But after two Edmonton SUN articles, I'm pleased to say that starting today the SUN has finally gotten rid of "ugly hockey mom week" in the SUNshine girl pages. Most of them weren't even in anything but jerseys, except for a chick from Montreal who wore a red dress and must be pushing 50.