Paris Hilton, Anne Heche, and other celebrity tidbits

I know this isn't the first place you turn to for celebrity insights [and you think they come here for insights on other topics? -ed] but there was enough material today to be worth a few bullet points:

  • Paris Hilton in Jail, Part 1:
    Paris' sentence is cut in half for "good behaviour". Driving drunk, driving with a suspended licence and claiming ignorance, convincing Britney Spears to shave her head... what does it take these days to be diagnosed with bad behaviour? [that's easy...just insult some Jews like Mel Gibson did -ed]

  • Paris Hilton in Jail, Part 2:
    Paris to go without hair extensions, cellphones, or Blackberrys in prison. New Zealand gossip magazines are delighted to report she will be strip searched upon entry, which would be humiliating for anybody who hasn't been seen naked by 96.2% of the population of Earth. Paris without her Blackberry just doesn't seem right, though. Why are we punishing Lindsey Lohan by denying her the chance to SMS message her friend every time she hears another Jessica Simpson cocaine rumour?

  • Paris Hilton in Jail, Part 3:
    This is old news, but remember that early in this "ordeal" Hilton started a petition to convince the Governor of California to pardon Hilton for her misdemeanor crime. The thing is, what is Terminator star Arnold Schwarzenegger supposed to say in response to this? I personally feel this was a brilliant tactical stunt on Hilton's part... so it was probably somebody else's idea. Still, it made a lot of sense. What was the Governator supposed to say? "Absolutely no pardon will be granted. In America, just being a celebrity doesn't entitle you to any special treatm-- er, um...so, you'd like a pardon?"

  • Paris Hilton in Jail, Part 4:
    Finally, with the news that for "good behaviour" allowed Paris Hilton to cut her sentence back, I wish I was a defense attorney in California. Why? Because the very next day after this, I would immediately file documents for every client I was working for who had already been convicted demanding that they be granted the same rights as given so some little tart who was famous and rich for no real reason other than a minor win at the genetic lottery.

  • Anne Heche's marriage:
    Anne Heche and her husband are having quite the messy divorce. Heche's husband is demanding roughly $45,000/month in child support (though he'll settle for $33k). If it doesn't sound weird enough as is, look at this:
    Laffoon, a former freelance videographer who made $6,000 a year, said he didn't work during the marriage. The couple agreed he would be a stay-at-home father because of his experience as a former nanny and summer camp counselor, his documents contend.

    He estimated that living expenses for himself and their son, who lives with him, total $37,399 a month. An accountant hired on Laffoon's behalf submitted a court paper offering a guideline of $45,239 for monthly spousal and child support.
    Wow, how do you go from six grand a year to spending $480,000 a year? On the other hand, I think Laffoon should try a different tack: variable payments. For example, Anne has to give him, say, $15,000/month. If in the next year she takes up another relationship she has to pay $25,000/month (already a catch-22, since she's dating another guy already, but bear with me here). If she takes another man in the next two years but after 1 year she has to pay $20,000/month. And finally, if over the next two years she takes up with another woman, Laffoon should be entitled to his $40,000/month. Why? Because its embarassing to lose your wife to a sapphist, and he deserves some compensation for his ribbing in public.

  • A Queen in any other language:
    Just on a final aside, in French does the Queen hit song translate to "We are the Mushrooms my Friends?"