2019 Edmonton Fringe Review: Game of Chrohn's

"I was failing biology and biology failed me."

One of the downsides of fringing...
a) at the very end
b) with other people
...is that you're at the mercy of what the group wants to go see. While nobody in my circle has Chrohn's Disease, one of the girl's brother did and therefore we ended up spending Friday night watching Game of Chrones and trying to laugh at disease.

Play play features one of my least favourite tropes: "the story of my life". "Write what you know" is good advice and all that, but it also comes across as horribly narcissistic, which we all know arts majors are notoriously guilty of, but they don't have to remind us so effectively. Dan Rosen, helpfully styled as "Dan B. Rosen" fortunately gets that fact about him out of the way relatively early.

Growing up in Halifax, both of Dan's parents were doctors. He was the always seeking attention class clown, when suddenly he got hit by a debilitating illness that neither of them could work out. I'll take a brief aside here to note I know a girl (not one who attended the show) with two doctor parents and she's also diseased. Read into that as you will. Anyways, Dan (a balding guy who vaguely resembles Enrico Colantoni from "Just Shoot Me!") is constantly in hospital before discovering that what he has is Crohn's disease.

He goes into the dietary restrictions quite a bit which resonated well with those of us (most of us) who have diabetic family members who also suddenly can't eat the foods they like to eat. I counted five Game of Thrones references. I'm not a fan of the show, so there may have been more. Martok seemed to think there were a dozen, but I consider his input unreliable. The crowd generally ate it up (Dan had to smack down a brief heckling comment), as the fru-fru fringe crowd (especially on Friday night) really likes their poop jokes. Is it because of all the homos, they have shit on the brain so to speak? Who knows.

There were a few legitimate laughs, a lot of uncomfortable moments when he went into detail about medical stuff I don't like hearing about, He also yammered about "white privilege" because of course he does. For a guy who's been stuck in the hell of the Canadian healthcare system he didn't have much material about its failings: whether that's because he's as delusional about socialized medicne as all "white privilege" talkers are or because he never thought anything abnormal about his experiences, who can say.

For those interested in hearing a sympathetic tale of a teenager whose romantic and professional future was sabotaged by his own bowels, it's engaging enough. I didn't feel it though. Rosen's energy is just enough to keep you interested without being manic however, and except for the third quarter of the play really dragging and getting repetitive, it flowed well enough.

Flowed well. That insane far-leftist Fish Griwkowsky made a half dozen poop jokes in his review. I only made the one, and it wasn't even intentional.

Dan Rosen may become the public face of Crohn's disease, but I'll still keep typing "Chr" and having to correct myself until the day I become worm food.

Where the Wild Thi...wait is that really the theme this year? Ugh. 2019 Edmonton Fringe

It's that time of year again, and after missing the first half by being on vacation I've been able to fit in the final weekend of the Edmonton Fringe Festival. Just like 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, and most years going back to 2007 and 2006.

And as always for my fringe reviews, I have the standard rule:


Read the Game of Crohn's review here.


Day 1 of the Hipster Millenial Holocaust

YouTuber Emily Hartridge killed in UK's first fatal electric scooter crash


A Third Edge of the Sword Success Story

A special thank-you to everybody on team Third Edge of the Sword.

I honestly didn't think Operation Destroy FagWalk From Within would work, but you guys who pretended to be women and got outraged that dykes are allowed to exist.

Excellent work!!


145th running of the Kentucky Derby

Break out the mint juleps, tell your woman to put on a silly hat, and get ready for the 145th running of the Kentucky Derby from beautiful soaking wet Churchill Downs in Louisville Kentucky.

Currently Tacitus and Improbable have met up at 5-1 to be tied for the favourite this year, with strong contender Omaha Beach already being scratched. And since I'm sitting at home with mint juleps in a proper silver cup instead of somewhere I can gamble, I provide my (mostly) seat of the pants predictions for the main event.

Win: War of Will (17-1)
Place: Vekoma (21-1)
Show: Tacitus (5-1)


ALBERTA ELECTION: Global Edmonton tells lies about conservatives

As you may have heard this week, Far Left Big Tech further banned Faith Goldy from social media because of her political beliefs.

As you may have also heard, Faggot-Familiar Alliances are still big news because Jason Kenney dares to think maybe parents should know when child molesters like Kristopher Wells or Mike Morrison are being invited to secret meetings with young children who have shown an interest in an evil and unacceptable lifestyle choice.

And if you watch Global TV Edmonton, you'll hear all about the "online reaction":

What you definitely won't hear in the extremely biased and one-sided reporting of fake news peddler Sarah Kraus is anybody opposed to Faggot-Familiar Alliances in school, or even opposed to keeping parents in the dark. Why is that? Because Global News is only looking on platforms that are already setup to exclude those voices. Kraus and her bosses know this, but they'll push the sodomite agenda endlessly and claim ignorance to anybody who pushes back.

So I'm calling out Kraus, her bosses (Jim Haskins and Kerry Powell), and any other media member pushing this false narrative. They know, surely, that Twitter won't even let you call a man by his name to satisfy the insane tranny activists. As a result, the people likely to support Kenney are either removed from the platform (as what happened with Faith Goldy this very week) or forced to self-censor in order to avoid the axe falling on them as well. As a result is it any wonder that pillow biting teachers extolling the benefits of exposing the children they are supposed to protect to sexual deviants are the only tweets Kraus can find (or pretends to find) in her disgusting story?

I call on Global News Edmonton to apologize to Jason Kenney for their story that makes it sound like he's a crazed maverick standing against universal opposition. I demand that they permit those of us who oppose these sick schools airtime in accordance with the popularity of our views in accordance with Global's own news policies which Kraus and Haskins violated:

Integrity, fairness and transparency are at the foundation of our newsgathering process. We are committed to reporting news without distortion or misrepresentation.
How is it not distorting and misrepresentation to talk about "online reaction" and not admit that these social media platforms are biased against conservative expression, especially social conservative expression?
We will not formulate news content based on our own personal cultural beliefs, opinions, corporate influences or those of anyone else engaged in its preparation or delivery.

News events and public issues may be analyzed and put into context, as long as comment or opinion is clearly identified and kept distinct from regular news coverage.
Based on the fact that child raping sodomite Kristopher Wells is a routine guest on Global Edmonton's morning show, it's clear that this story is part of a longstanding trend of Global TV stories about the Edmonton uranist community formulated on the personal beliefs and opinions of Global TV News department.

Kerry Powell, will you promise going forward that Global News will cease publishing anti-conservative opinion under the fake guise of "reporting on online reaction"? If not, will these stories feature a disclaimer in the future that the social media platforms these reactions are posted on have a long history of banning, shadow-banning, and suppressing viewpoints that would provide a more balanced (and accurate) set of views?

We all know this story was written, coordinated, and aired in order to attack Jason Kenney. No "online reaction" news stories have ever been posted when conservatives not yet banned on social media have used their accounts to blast Trudeau or Notley. Global News owes an apology to us all, and a promise that in accordance with their own journalistic principles they will not push false narratives in the future.

The chance to set the record straight on the eve of polls closing is fading fast, Global. Your move.


Eugenie Who?

As I type this, Angelique Kerber is defeating a shaved ape in straight sets (after winning the first 7-6) at the Indian Wells quarter-finals.

But the story of the tournament isn't either of the ugly monkeys who keep U.S. sportswriters employed. It's probably 7/10 Belinda Bencic who topped 7/10 Naomi Osaka to get to the quarter-finals on the weekend, and then Karolina Pliskova to move onto the semis.

The second biggest story though has to be Bianca Andreescu (7.5/10), who last month surpassed the 10/10 Eugenie Bouchard as Canada's best female tennis player. This week she herself moved into the semifinals herself by defeating 7.5/10 Gabriñe Muguruza. Canadian tennis is now in an Anna Kournikova/Maria Sharapova scenario, where the hotter and famous player has to give way to a younger less attractive girl in the cold hearted reality known as "you may actually need to be good at tennis now and again". Bianca Andreescu is certainly no Maria Sharapova, but she's decent looking enough and can actually win a match or two. It's certainly better than the poor American situation where two shaved ape sisters win the matches while Nicole Gibbs has to languish in relative obscurity.

For now, Andreescu will take on Ukrainian hottie Elina Svitolina (9.5/10). She already, by getting to the semifinals, has in this tournament surpassed her lifetime earnings.

Now she just needs to do some more suggestive photo shoots.


For Shame, #YEG

Attention Edmontonians: we have failed the internet.

I'm not being accusatory here, I have failed in the exact same way, but I'm here to help rectify the situation. I was binge watching some "You Gotta Eat Here" over the weekend and I noticed that the iconic Barb and Ernie's Old Country Inn has not yet been featured. This is a shame, the only reason I don't eat a Bratwurst Eggs Benedict from there every week is that sometimes I don't end up drinking on Whyte, Tasty Tom's exists, and I have started making them at home. So that's a second black mark on the show (the host, of course, being the main one), but that's not Edmonton's shame.

I also notice that DaDeO (not Dadeo's as everybody calls it) is also not featured on the show, while Louisiana Purchase is. It's reminiscent of Colby Cosh's line about how Patrick Roy isn't even the best goalie born in 1965: they went to Edmonton's second-best Cajun/Creole restaurant. High Level diner is another blog post entirely.

Our shame, instead, is the YouTube view counts. "The what?" I hear you say...well, Barb and Ernie have a YouTube Channel...and the view counts are absolutely pathetic.

I'm going to put them on a loop next time I run to the grocery store and you should too, because the couple who gave Edmonton decades of eggs benedict joy deserve more than 38 views on their travel videos.


2019 Briar Finals: Alberta Vs. Alberta

As I type this, the first end has just concluded of the Finals of the 2019 Briar from Brandon, Manitoba. Team Alberta (Kevin Koe, Calgary) is facing off against Team Wildcard (Brendan Bottcher, Edmonton) in a match that I'm sure will confuse the hell out of the Americans. If Bottcher wins it will be the first time a Wild Card wins the Briar.

Most critically, the winner of this match gets to be Team Canada at the upcoming World's Mens Curling Championships in Lethbridge later on this month.


Samsung Galaxy S10 release

Today, after an abnormally long and hyped wait, the Samsung Galaxy S10 was released. People who pre-ordered should have started receiving their devices, and stores should begin having stock.

Featuring 2-3 rear cameras, as close to 100% of the front of the device being screen as seems humanely possible, and blue light reduction the S10 comes in three varieties: the S10e (paired down version), the S10 standard (my personal choice), and the S10+ almost-phablet. So I was thinking to upgrade to the new phone, but unfortunately since the CRTC did away with contracts, essentially the two choices are buy unlocked or mortgage the phone through more expensive ($115-$140/mo) phone plans.

The price is probably what I see keeping this from being the "iPhone killer" Samsung and most Android fans were hoping for. After all, a fully loaded Galaxy S10+ is a whopping $2,209.99.

Which made me wonder: how much is a fully loaded Chevrolet S10 setting you back these days? The answer? $2,200. Yep, that's right: the phone costs you more than an (admittedly old with high mileage) pickup truck. And while Samsung doesn't offer financing in Canada, in the US is does.

Bonus coverage: Reviewers get so much cool hardware to look at, are they giving sensible reviews for midrange devices?

If you’re used to apps opening in 0.1 seconds and suddenly they take 0.5 seconds to open, you might feel this phone is slow and laggy, while someone that’s used to a 4-year-old phone that takes 3 seconds to open an app will think it’s blazing fast. Who is right then? Well, both are, it’s all a matter of perspective. And this is where the issue lies.
Missing features are also a lot more impactful to those that have come to rely on them. If you have a wireless charger on your desk at work and your nightstand at home, using a phone without wireless charging is forcing you to revert to older habits, making the phone feel almost ancient. Meanwhile, most users interested in mid-range phones probably won’t use wireless charging for at least a few more years.

It’s hard to give a price to each feature so you can fairly judge if the cheaper phone comes at the right price. Are camera lenses $150 a pop? Is wireless charging worth $100? What about the headphone jack that is now present in more budget devices than flagships? While you can often find the price for each hardware component, those don't translate 1:1 to the cost of the whole device.

Why We Seriously Need an iPhone Killer Sidebar  Like most non-Apple fanboys  I sort of detest the hipster magnets from Cupertino  I understand how they got popular  they make computers  and phones  for babies  People are idiots and really appreciate a single button  I still cannot get over that  that just dumbly does the things they are allowed to do  But there are serious implications to this that impact us all  I was at a party down in Summerside a few years ago where we were sharing some stuff with each other using Bluetooth  I had a Samsung S4  another guy had a Blackberry  K mpec had an LG Android phone  and Martok actually had a Windows Phone  I think there was another non-Samsung Android user too  Anyways some girl  it s always some girl  wanted to  tooth with us but we couldn t get her phone to connect  We were having troubles for the longest time until some Apple fanboy at the party helpfully advised us that Apple can only Bluetooth with other Apples  Except that s not how he phrased it  he instead said  Android isn t compatible with Apple Bluetooth   But that s got it exactly backwards  Apple is the thing not compatible with EVERYBODY ELSE  I heard the same thing about chargers a while ago too  a girl said she didn t have a  Samsung charger   I was very clear explaining to her that she was totally wrong  it s not a  Samsung charger  it s a MicroUSB charger and its a standard across all cellphones that don t have a picture of half finished fruit on the back  When you go to Bianca Amour s and see  Samsung  written on Micro USB chargers you should blame the Apple people  And that s before we remember Apple doesn t even let you sideload apps

Why We Seriously Need an iPhone Killer Sidebar: Like most non-Apple fanboys, I sort of detest the hipster magnets from Cupertino. I understand how they got popular, they make computers (and phones) for babies. People are idiots and really appreciate a single button (I still cannot get over that) that just dumbly does the things they are allowed to do. But there are serious implications to this that impact us all. I was at a party down in Summerside a few years ago where we were sharing some stuff with each other using Bluetooth. I had a Samsung S4, another guy had a Blackberry, K'mpec had an LG Android phone, and Martok actually had a Windows Phone, I think there was another non-Samsung Android user too. Anyways some girl (it's always some girl) wanted to 'tooth with us but we couldn't get her phone to connect. We were having troubles for the longest time until some Apple fanboy at the party helpfully advised us that Apple can only Bluetooth with other Apples. Except that's not how he phrased it: he instead said "Android isn't compatible with Apple Bluetooth". But that's got it exactly backwards: Apple is the thing not compatible with EVERYBODY ELSE. I heard the same thing about chargers a while ago too, a girl said she didn't have a "Samsung charger". I was very clear explaining to her that she was totally wrong: it's not a "Samsung charger" it's a MicroUSB charger and its a standard across all cellphones that don't have a picture of half finished fruit on the back. When you go to Bianca Amour's and see "Samsung" written on Micro USB chargers you should blame the Apple people. And that's before we remember Apple doesn't even let you sideload apps.


Edmonton Oilers PTSD

The Edmonton Oilers are the worst NHL team of the twenty-first century.

And no, this isn't hyperbole, or a trick. If you take every hockey game played in the 21st century and look at the teams point totals, the Oilers sit uncomfortably at the bottom. I started, as every Seinfeld viewer knows, on January 1st 2001 and continued up until today (er...yesterday). And the sad reality I found was the Edmonton Oilers with 1194 points in 1379 games, and their 0.865 PPG at the very bottom of the league. Second place is Arizona followed by Columbus(!?), Florida, and Buffalo.

All of the numbers in this post are based with the NHL results as of Thursday morning (2019-02-07).

Edmonton Oilers have the worst  record in the NHL during the 21st century

Team total points total games points per game
ANA 1491 1378 1.082002903
BOS 1488 1381 1.077480087
BUF 1279 1380 0.926811594
CAR 1289 1381 0.933381608
CBJ 1254 1376 0.911337209
CGY 1378 1381 0.997827661
CHI 1401 1380 1.015217391
COL 1328 1379 0.963016679
DAL 1450 1380 1.050724638
DET 1534 1375 1.115636364
EDM 1194 1379 0.865844815
FLA 1260 1380 0.913043478
LAK 1348 1381 0.976104272
MIN 1408 1382 1.018813314
MTL 1407 1379 1.020304569
NJD 1419 1381 1.027516293
NSH 1471 1383 1.06362979
NYI 1290 1379 0.935460479
NYR 1421 1375 1.033454545
OTT 1406 1382 1.017366136
PHI 1419 1382 1.026772793
PHX 1224 1387 0.882480173
PIT 1458 1381 1.055756698
SJS 1545 1383 1.117136659
STL 1418 1381 1.02679218
TBL 1422 1381 1.029688631
TOR 1332 1378 0.966618287
VAN 1435 1380 1.039855072
VEG 173 137 1.262773723
WPG 1322 1382 0.95658466
WSH 1468 1382 1.062228654

Last night the Oilers defeated the Minnesota Wild 4-1. This is change of pace: Edmonton is 3-6-2 in their last ten games and coming off three humiliating losses in a row: a Saturday afternoon game against Philadelphia where they coughed up a lead to lose in overtime followed by a Sunday afternoon game against Montreal in the Bell Centre where they coughed up a lead to lose in overtime. Next game the disaster on 104th Avenue on Tuesday where the Oilers didn't even get a loser point in overtime because they coughed up a lead to be humiliated 6-2 by Chicago in the infamous return of the "jersey toss".

I almost didn't watch last night's game, by the way. Literally yesterday morning when I got the alert reminder on my phone that the team played that night, I felt ill. My stomach ached, my temples throbbed, and I experienced anxiety and despair. This is a new phenomenon I describe as Oilers PTSD. I'm not alone in this, and technically this experience isn't new. Years ago in the regular season games prior to the 2006 playoff run when the team was fighting for that 8th playoff spot [doesn't that seem quaint now? -ed] I was talking with a coworker about how my mood really depended on the result of the previous night's game. A girl I know who moved to Edmonton from Toronto around 2008 was mentioning a couple years back how the city's mood really varies based on how the Oilers did the night before: she noticed in business meetings downtown that when the team lost the night before she wasn't going to get a good reception to anything other than the best news on the planet. I was talking with a guy who lived in Montreal for two years and he said both cities are roughly the same on this, but he also admitted Edmonton probably "wins" in that race as well.

But remember..the team has been an embarrassment for most of this entire century. We have the best player in the league and in three seasons we have nothing to show for it. We had an atrocious General Manger who everybody saw was a bad idea from the moment he was brought on board, who inexplicably was signing bad deals minutes before he was let go. Oilers games with a couple small exceptions have been disasters ever since 9/11. And like a soldier sent to kill the adherents of a child raping Satanic prophet over in Afghanistan, Oilers fans are also suffering post-traumatic stress which morphs into pre-traumatic stress every time we get that TSN.ca notification that an Oilers game is on the horizon.

Don't believe me? Check the WebMD symptoms for PTSD and let me know how many of them apply to you or the Oilers fan in your life:
Whether you're thinking about it or not, memories of the traumatic event can come back to bother you. You may experience them in your sleep as nightmares or during the day as flashbacks. That means you relive the event as if it's happening for the first time.

Both can cause you to feel anxious, afraid, guilty, or suspicious. These emotions may play out physically in the form of chills, shaking, headaches, heart palpitations, and panic attacks.
How many times in the day or two after a bad Oilers loss have you suddenly thought about it? How many times have you had headaches when you watch us be humiliated again and remember that Lucic is taking up a whopping 7% of the Oilers cap hit while only having 14 points on the season? Panic attacks when you realize that McDavid can see the writing on the wall and Manning in the locker room and likely demand a trade sometime before Jason Kenney runs for reelection? Don't feel alone. We've all been there.

You don't want to think about it. You don't want to talk about it. You steer clear of everyone and everything that reminds you of the event, including places and activities.
This is the section that sort of spoils my thesis. Ironically, as Martok was talking about this morning when I bounced the idea of this post against him mentioned, we remain fans. We watch fewer games when experiencing Oilers PTSD (I didn't watch the Chicago game on Tuesday, for example), we aren't steering clear of people and things that remind us of the event. Indeed, we keep attending the event, at least by watching it on TV.

Doctors call these “arousal symptoms.” They can make your emotions more intense or make you react differently than you normally would. For example, if you're a careful driver, you might start driving too fast or be super-aggressive on the road. Irrational, angry outbursts are very common.

Many find it hard to focus. Feelings of danger and being under attack can ruin concentration and keep you from finishing tasks you do every day. This can also lead to trouble sleeping, whether you're having nightmares or not.
I haven't had "arousal symptoms" since the Oilers moved to Rogers Place and that brunette in the tight shirt stopped skating around during TV time outs clearing off the ice, har har. I kid of course: Oilers fans often have their concentration interfered with during the emotionally stunned period during a bad losing streak. As the Toronto girl in business meeting story above illustrated, Edmontonians felt under attack and having trouble concentrating on the day after a single Oilers loss. What about during losing streaks? What about exercises in total futility at putting a competitive NHL team out on the ice when you have the greatest player in maybe two generations on a line with Ty Rattie?

PTSD doesn't always come with clues like nightmares and flashbacks. Sometimes it seems like a mood change unrelated to the traumatic event.

You'll know it by its negativity. You may feel hopeless, numb, or bad about yourself or others. Thoughts of suicide can come and go. Deep feelings of guilt and shame are common, as well.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes. That feeling of hopelessness (no matter who is the owner, GM, coach, star forward the result is always the same), feeling bad about yourself for being an Oilers fan, the numbness when every loss just stops explicitly bothering you and turns into a overarching paste of sadness. Deep feelings of shame? Absolutely. Guilt when you realize your viewing eyeballs have rewarded the folks who keep making this happen? Absolutely. Suicide? Okay, that's maybe a bridge too far. Still, the feelings of shame. You don't want to be seen in Calgary with an Oilers hat anymore. You have nothing to hold over them.

Activities you normally enjoy may not interest you anymore. Your motivation to maintain relationships with close friends and family could be low.
Activities you enjoy...like watching the Oilers play...no longer interest you. Your motivation to maintain relationships with close friends (hey want to go to The Pint and watch the Oilers game?) is lower than ever.

Those are the signs. You probably have Oilers PTSD. In fact, if you don't you should get your head examined. You're no longer human. Or you're no longer an Oilers fan. I suppose in that case your head is working just fine.