Reposting my SDA South Park episode guide

One of the problems with having a monsterous contraption on your writing hand (due to the discovery 3 days after a traumatic injury that it indeed fractured bones) is that it makes typing damn near impossible. I do about 75 WPM, 85 if I'm warmed up. Even corrected for errors I still have about a 53 AWPM (adjusted words per minute) average, which is damned good.

Anyways, I don't want to type much, so I'll repost my comment on the Small Dead Animal blog to this post by guest blogger PlanetX regarding South Park.

An advantage of this repost is I can fix a couple of typos, do some better formatting, and make a couple modications to the comment. The SDA post has my original comment and my second comment finishing one of the episodes I didn't complete before hitting "submit"

Other South Park episodes right-wing bloggers may enjoy if they've never been properly introduced to the series -- warning, these are only 5th-9th season...many of the first 4 seasons have good material, but I don't have access to the DVDs and don't remember most of them:

502 - It Hits the Fan - A popular TV show breaks decades of censorship and the stifling of free speech when it finally dares to speak one of the words you can't say on TV on TV. The huge ratings can mean only one thing: its time to say the word twice. Those huge ratings can only mean one more thing: its time to say nothing but that word all the time. So why are these so many British knights coming alive and trying to stop it? Any coincidence that the Black Death comes to those who say the forbidden words on TV? Most importantly, though, it is proven once and for all that God has decreed Meekrob tastes like shit.

507 - Proper Condom Use - When is it too early to teach sex ed? When 6th grade becomes far too late for the apparent sexual activities of 4th graders, sex education is brought into the schools. Soon even kindergarten is a proper forum to discuss the Dirty Sanchez. Its too bad that the only people the children can learn from is somebody with a bad opinion of sex, somebody who knows nothing without it, and a complete pervert.

512 - Here Comes the Neighbourhood - Oprah, Will Smith, Kobe Bryant, Snoop Dogg, Puffy Daddy, and Michael Jordan all move into South Park. The locals are upset: their white bread town can't possibly handle the arrival of "those" sort of people. And so begins the campaign to rid South Park of the rich. (Those polo playing laser printer owning orphan adopting Rembrant collecting expensive beer drinking cash-chuckers! T for time to leave!)

513 - Kenny Dies - Its one of the hardest things for a child to ever deal with: the death of a friend. Even adults aren't sure. Do you go to see him one last time? Do you stay away, knowing that you'll always be haunted by that last sickly image of someone you love? Do you start harvesting fetuses and coercing women to get abortions to force Congress to take the medical action to save him? It's a dilemna best agonized over a delicious Shakey's Pizza.

514 - Butters' Very Own Episode - When your sweet cherub son discovers that his father is freqenting gay bathhouses and movie theatres, what is a concerned parent to do? Luckily there's O.J. Simpson, the Ramseys, and Gary Condit to help you deal with the messy aftermath of your final solution.

609 - Free Hat - George Lucas and Steven Spielberg are destroying their own classic movies. Nobody can stop them, until the boys start a campaign that looks to have the momentum they need. Of coure, Hat McCormick is a bigger worry: he was framed by police for murdering 23 toddlers (in self-defense).

615 - The Death Camp of Tolerance - The boys old teacher returns to school to teach them, but his sadomasochistic homosexual teaching assistant is maybe just a little bit over the top. Wait! I dont' mean it! I don't mind anal insertions as a teaching tool, really! Whatever you do, don't misinterpret what I said as intolerance! I'll never servive the gulag which is....TOLERANCE CAMP.

806 - Goobacks - "Time Immigrants" are flooding South Park. Are they stealing jobs from modern-day Americans? Should they have to learn the English language, or should the schools and fast food restaurants adapt to meet their demands? And is it really the only way to keep American jobs for all the men in town to get naked in a giant pile?

807 - The Jeffersons - He's just coming to escape the L.A. scene in rural Colorado. So why are the parents freaked out by Mr. Jefferson's weird rapport with children? Is it really so wrong for a man whose childhood was stolen by fame to seek it later in life? And how far will the police go to frame African-Americans for crimes they didn't commit?

808 - Douche and Turd -
School elections are a great time to teach kids about democracy. But what happens when a little boy is apathetic about the system? PETA, Rock the Vote, and Puff Daddy all aim to make sure that voting is understood as completely and utterly important: even if the only two choices you are given are a Giant Douche and a Turd Sandwich.

809 - Something Wall-Mart This Way Comes - A huge superstore has moved into town. Its low low bargains and easy employment quickly make it a huge hit amoungst the locals. But can South Park's other businesses survive their new competitor? What will happen to the townspeople? And how do you defeat a worldwide monolithic company who's buildings have come alive?

901 - Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina - What do you do when the townspeople have finally stopped harassing you about being gay as a fruitcake with a leather-clad slave as a teaching assistant? You take the next logical step and let them be freaked out by being trans-gendered. But its a slippery slope: should short Jewish boys be genetically altered into tall black men? Can a man really become half-dolphin? Do sports arenas have to give them their own bathroom? And what shall we do with the doctor who refuses to give the transvestite an abortion?

902 - Die Hippie, Die -
The next generation of flower children are infesting South Park. Only one brave young boy knows how to stop them... and "The Man" has already put him in jail! Music can and will save the world, any day now, as soon as we finish this toke we'll change the world, pump up the good tunes man, what's with that freaky tunnelling vehicle with heavy metal stickers?

908 - Two Days Before the Day After Tomorrow - One of the best South Parks of all time. The nearby town of Beaverton has been struck by catastrophe: flooding is crippling the town. The nation is immediately gripped by their story, and moves into immediate action: trying to figure out whether its FEMA, George Bush, or the townspeople themselves to blame for this catastrophe. But is there even time to assign blame? Global warming is coming! Yes, its real, and we just didn't listen. Due to strike the Day After Tomorrow -- or maybe a couple days before that -- no one in town can survive the harsh arctic winds that global warming will bring. But, er, will anybody ever get around to rescuing people from the flood? And how many bags of gold do Jews carry around their necks?

914 - Bloody Mary - We can all agree that alcoholism is a vicious disease, except for one poor South Park resident who refuses to believe he's an alcoholic just because he drove drunk once. However the disease of alcoholism is brutal and dangerous: once you're trapped in it you can never escape it. Never. Don't even try. The new pope might hold promise for your future, but thats only if you visit the blessed Virgin Mary statue before the disease of alcoholism seizes you forever.

The episodes that are clearly missed in this review are/were "Trapped in the Closet", the episode that triggered the thread, any episode before Season 4 that I haven't got access to, and several funny episodes that don't really have right-wing messages: "Scott Tenorman Must Die", "Towelie", "Osama bin Laden has Farty Pants", "The Entity", "The Simpsons Already Did It", "Red-Hot Catholic Love" (though it does have the message that atheists are just talking shit), "The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers", "The Biggest Douche in the Universe", "My Future Self N' Me", "Fat Butt and Pancake Head", "Grey Dawn", "Raisins", and "Free Wilzyx".

Another poster mentioned "All About Mormons". Like most of Season 7, the deal is that I don't actually have them. This also meant that "Red Man's Greed", "South Park is Gay", and "Christian Rock Hard" may be accidentally excluded, as I haven't even seen the episodes. Likewise the most right-ish appearing Season 4 episode: "Chef Goes Nanners".

I'm tempted to deliver a few of the killer South Park quotes, but its like "reviewing the best scenes from Seinfeld"...you can spend hours and not get half done. So I'm off to watch the Corner Gas season finale.

So lets balance things out, and include a couple good quotes from each show:

GEORGE: Hey, what happened with Sandy. I forgot all about it. Did you call her?
JERRY: Yeah, I did. In fact I went over there.
GEORGE: So what happened? She throw you out? Eh?
JERRY: No actually, she took it pretty well.
GEORGE: So what happened?
JERRY: She's into it.
GEORGE: Into what?
JERRY: The manage. And not only that. She just called me and said she talked to the roommate and the roomate's into the menage too.
GEORGE: That's unbelievable.
JERRY: Oh, it's a scene man.
GEORGE: Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank god that you know me and have access to my dementia?
JERRY: What are you talking about? I'm not goin' to do it.
GEORGE: You're not goin to do it? What do you mean, You're not goin to do it?
JERRY: I can't. I'm not an orgy guy.
GEORGE: Are you crazy? This is like discovering Plutonium ... by accident!

- Episode #97 - "The Switch"

ELAINE: The two of you shouldn't have been looking at some fifteen year-old's cleavage anyway!
GEORGE: He poked me!
JERRY: There was cleavage in the area. That's a reflex ... cleavage-poke, cleavage-poke...
ELAINE: But she was fifteen.
JERRY: You don't consider age in the face of cleavage. This occurs on a molecular level, you can't control it!

- Episode #56 - "The Shoes"

South Park:
STAN: What's the matter with you?
BUTTERS: Well, mu mu mu girlfriend broke up with me.
HENRIETTA: Did she step on your heart with stiletto heels?
BUTTERS: Yeah. It sure does hurt.
GOTH KID #2: That's cool. I guess you can join up with us if you want.
GOTH KID #1: Yeah. We're gonna go to the graveyard and write poems about death and how pointless life is.
BUTTERS: Uh, uhm no thanks. I I love life.
STAN: Huh? But you just got dumped
BUTTERS: Wuh-ell yeah, and I'm sad, but at the same time I'm really happy that somethin' could make me feel that sad. It's like, ih ih, ih it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt somethin' really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good, so I guess what I'm feelin' is like a, beautiful sadness. I guess that sounds stupid...
GOTH KID #1: Yeah.
STAN: No. No, Butters, that doesn't sound stupid at all.
BUTTERS: Well, thanks for offerin' to let me in your clique, guys, uh but, to be honest, I'd rather be a cryin' little pussy than a faggy Goth kid.

- Episode 714 - "Raisins"

DARRYL WEATHERS: Listen up, everybody! We've just received a reply from our congressman. "Dear intolerant rednecks, we sympathize with you all losing your jobs. However, we feel your solution of shooting everyone who crosses the time border is inhumane."
MAN #2: What? That's ridiculous!
MAN #3: They can't do that!
MAN #4: That was a good idea!
DARRYL WEATHERS: So it appears the government ain't gonna help us! Which means we gotta take matters into our own hands! The only way to stop people from the future is to stop the future from happening!
MAN #3: Hey that's right! If there is no future, then there'll be no people from the future to come back and take our jobs!
MAN #6: Take rjurbs
DARRYL WEATHERS: All right! So, any ideas how we can stop the future from happening? CHET: How about we cause more global warming, so that in the future, the polar ice caps melt, and and it ushers in a new ice age?
DARRYL WEATHERS: How the hell is global warming gonna cause an ice age?!
CHET: Well you know, the... global warming could bring on like a climate shift or somethin'?
DARRYL WEATHERS: Chet, you are a fuckin' retard, you know that?! Even if global warming were real, which all proven scientific data shows it isn't, it would take millions of years for a climate shift to happen! You think an ice age can just happen all of a sudden-like?
CHET: Well I was just tryin' to be helpful.
DARRYL WEATHERS: Well help yourself to a fuckin' science book, 'cause you're talkin' like a fuckin' retard!

- Episode 807 - "Goobacks"

Corner Gas:
HANK: I'm gonna fight this.
EMMA: It's her place, she can do what she wants with it.
HANK: Well, I got two words for you; boycott. I'm gonna put this place out of business.
BRENT: Hank, if you have the power to put companies out of business by just not being a customer, why am I still able to buy mouthwash?
WANDA: Yeah, and deodorant.
EMMA: Clean underwear.
BRENT: Books.
WANDA: Pants that fit.
EMMA: Nail clippers.
BRENT: Dandruff shampoo.
WANDA: Um... dental floss.
EMMA: Toilet paper.
OSCAR: Pick-up trucks.
BRENT: You don't know what we're doing, do you, Dad?

- Episode 101 - "Ruby Reborn"

BRENT: Well, let's say hypothetically my Dad can't find these sales records, what's the deal then, prison?
MARVIN DREY: Well, there's no tax prison in Canada, you don't have to worry about that.
BRENT: I wasn't worrying, I was suggesting.

- Episode 102 - "The Taxman"

KAREN: I can't believe you're sending me in without back-up.
DAVIS: It's just a fishing trip Karen.
KAREN: But it's with Hank, twelve hours, killing fish.
DAVIS: If it gets to you, you don't have to kill him, just throw him into the lake.
KAREN: I wasn't worried about the fish.
DAVIS: I wasn't talking about the fish.

- Episode 111 - "Hook, Line & Sinker"